Remember Hope

 It doesn't make sense.  Not on paper.  Not when you look at our lives separate from each other. 

Yet...

David defeated the giant and saved his city.  Tiny, young David took out the largest man using a slingshot and a stone.

It shouldn't have worked, but it did.

Sara and Abraham were way past childbearing years, yet they had a son whose descendants were more than the stars in the sky.  

It shouldn't have worked, but it did. 

God takes the impossible and makes it possible. 

In all things.

In all ways. 

Whether we understand it or not, He does.  That is all we need to know.

These last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions.  Fear, excitement, doubt, nervousness, trepidation, hope, and peace.

Why? Because of a man. A man who doesn't make sense on paper.

He is silver-haired, I'm just starting to get there.

He is suburbs, and I am country.

He is laughter, I am tears.

He is artsy, I am not.

He is a singer, I am a hummer.

He has struggles, where I have strength.

He has strength, where I have struggles.

He knows loss, I know loss.

He loves Jesus with all that he is, I love Jesus with my entire life.

He forgot how to dream, I reminded him.

He treats me like his queen, I treat him like my king.

Are you ready to throw up yet?  We are fricking cute together. I feel so much peace with him.  I feel like I'm home in his arms. Like there really is hope out there for an unlikely pair such as ourselves.

Hope.

Wesley, that's his name, and I went away to Ohio to visit the Ohio State Reformatory where Shawshank Redemption was filmed.  The night before, we watched the movie. I hadn't seen it since I held a vigil on my bed with Ted while he was passing away.  You see, that was his favorite movie. 

One thing that I never picked up before was how Andy Dufrain brought hope to so many men.  Andy was a banker, imprisoned erroneously for a double murder, and made the best out of a terrible situation by helping the guards with their taxes, and fellow inmates through a library. But it was more than that, Andy loved people where they were.  He never complained or retaliated when he was targeted.  He kept on living the best life he could.  

In a conversation between Andy and Red, Andy told Red:

"Fear can hold you, prisoner.

Hope can set you free."

In a letter Andy wrote to Red, he said, 

"Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

Hope. 

How weird for those two scenes to stand out to me now when I am in a new place in life.

Hope.

Wes and I don't make sense to the world. 

Yet.

We have hope.

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."  Romans 5:3-5

Neither Wesley nor myself were looking for each other, yet God brought us together, I think, because of our differences. 

Perhaps we are to help others to remember hope.

Angels in Disguise

 For the last, maybe, two months, I have been planning a fence-building party to get up the pasture fencing for the horses. 

A couple of people were going to show up on Saturday, but then it rained. A cold, steady rain. All day long.  This just irritated me to no end.  I had food.  The auger rented and a few people said they would actually come out and help.

I was mad at God.  

Almost went and got the auger and did it myself in the rain because I'm stubborn like that.

Then God whispered in my ear, "Mary, I'm giving you a break.  Take it."

"FINE!  Whatever you say, God.  It's not like I have much of a choice anyways."

So, I rested. 

Cleaned the kitchen.

Rested.

Cleaned up the table (I may not have been able to see the top of it for a while).

Rested.

Vacuumed.

Rested.

At the end of the night, I had to fight the urge and say, "There! Are you happy now?  I rested!"

This morning, I woke up to a song where all I know is a few words of the chorus:

    This is the day that the Lord has made.

    I will rejoice and be glad in it.

    This is the day that the Lord has made.

I knew that no matter what was coming in the day ahead, I would rejoice and be glad in it.

Yet, I still had a few negative vibes running through my veins.  So much so that I wrote this in my journal:

"Lord, thank you for today. Even if only I show up, you have and will continue to power me through the day.  If one shows up, then it will cut the time in half.  Two? even more- if more show up?  How great will that be?  Lord, I know you are in control. You will handle all the details.  I just have to show up.

Thank you for removing the poor me thoughts from yesterday. Yes, it still may just be me, and maybe Dave, but if that's the case, I'll do what I can and try really hard to not be angry and hurt.

It's easy to fall down the hole of "what happened to all the people who told me they would be there for me when I needed something- anything?  All I need to do is ask.  

Well, I've asked.  On several occasions and honestly, I'm done asking.

I suppose that means that empty words are perhaps the thing I dislike the most from people.

Papa, make my heart be light today, no matter what happens.  I love you and know you are in control and have the day planned out.  May your will be done.  Amen."

After I journaled, I got ready and left to go pick up the auger.  As I was leaving the rental hardware store, I noticed a gorilla cart that I had been trying to find localish to buy.  I pulled back into the parking lot and brought that puppy home.  It helped us out so much just today.  I can't wait to use it for a plethora of other things around my hobby farm since I sold the UTV that I bought.

About one hour after I got home, Dave showed up. Then Steve from the church I have been going to.  He arranged for a tribe that helps people out with things like this to come over today.  Just after noon, there were three more men added to the group.

Yay God!

Not all of the work was done.  The younger married men needed to get home to their families.  However, all the holes have been drilled.  The t-posts are still lined up. And one of the men's fathers that was helping out today moves lean-tos and other items for people and I'll be getting the contact info for that hopefully tomorrow.

Yay God!

I could be resentful right now for people who were around during Ted's cancer and death, but that doesn't serve me.  What does serve me is being grateful for the way God used some strangers, a man I met at church, and a man I met online to bless me.

I choose joy.

End of story.

There's a Hole

I am broken. 

There is a hole in my life.  In my heart and in my soul. 

It has been there for as long as I can remember. 

You see, I was not raised in a loving environment that fed me internally. Yes, I had a roof over my head, food on the couch (we never sat at the table), and two parents at home, but it was not nurturing to me. 

From this, I gained a lot of core beleifs about myself: 

Dreams are for dreamers. 

 Bills and work always come first. 

 If you can't afford it, put it on the credit card. 

 Fear is how to get respect. 

 Children are to be seen, not heard. 

 If I wanted to something to cry over, it would be given to me. 

 For some reason, I have a feeling that my sister and I were not the only ones raised like this. 

 Now, I'm not saying my childhood was all bad and that my parents are evil people. They did the best they could with the knowledge they had, I will never fault them for that. 

 There were lessons learned from the way I was raised that I never would have learned anywhere else. 

 Good. Bad. Or indifferent. 

They were learned. 

 All that said, that is not what this blog is about. 

 I am currently reading a book called, "There is a Hole in my Love Cup" by Sven Erlandson. If you are on TikTok, check him out under Badasscounseling. I'm only to chapter 8 so far and have so many passages underlined. 

 Here are a few exerts for you: 

 "We long for ALIVENESS, now. Yet, very youg, we begin getting our wings clipped, bit by bit, year by year. People want to rein us in, control us, make us easier for them to tolerate, deal with, or manipulate to their ends. But our soul calls out to us, each day, longing to be set free, loonging to fly at full wingspan, longing for that lasting happiness and peace, today, now, in the present, not in some distant future. Essentially, the sould is calling you to proclaim and live your worth now, rather than waiting to some how gain approval and worth from some arbitrary figure from your past (or present) - a waiting that rarely yield the fruit it desire. (And, the simple truth is that ain't nobody else gonna fall in love with you 'til you fall in love with you."

 And this one: 

 "We can't seem to get filled, because to get the Love Cup filled (love that lasts, rather than temporary splashes of love that evaporte as soon as they come) demands being loved for who you really are. Filling the Cup only comes from discovering and revealing to the world who you really are - radical honesty, both with yourself and with life. And that only comes from you actually loving who you are, believing in yourself enough to be seen. Ain't nobody gonna truly fall in love with you 'til you fall in love with you. Fact." 

 See the theme there? 

 We have to fall in love with ourself.

 Nothing can fill our cup up for us unless we are able to repair the hole that is in it. 

 If you don't know what your love cup is or what I'm talking about.... check out The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It was a requirement for Ted and I to get married, and I'm so glad it was. We would ask eachother how our love cups were doing and if they were not full, we would work on filling them.

 And so when Ted graduated to Heaven, I had noone to fill my love cup for me. 

 I tried to do it by staying so very busy.

 Keeping my mind occupied in many things and essentially failing at them all. I even allowed myself to love another man again, only for me to realize that he wasn't going to be able to fill my cup because it had a gaping hole in it that had been patched up with Ted, then broke free again. 

 The only way I can patch it up for good is to shift some core beliefs a few degrees. 

 To unteach myself all the negative things I have learned as a child and into my teenage years. 

 The biggest core belief I need to change is that my passions and dreams are truly God given. They are not some little girls fairytale story as they have stuck with me since I was a little girl. A whim would have left a long time ago, but a passion and dream given by God remains forever. 

 One thing the Sven asks the reader is what is holding you back from changing your core belief. 

 My answer: 

 Fear. 

 of failing my kids, family and friends. 

 of failing myself. 

 of letting people down and of what they might think if I do go for it. 

 of losing everything I have worked so hard for. 

 of not being good enough. 

 Fear that I may lose my security. 

 And fear of doing it alone. 

 I need to get past all of those fears and live the life God intended me to live.

 Some how. 

 Some way. 

 God will open the doors, but I need to make the steps to get to them first.

 Slowly, I can see them lining up. But it's because I am working on loving myself.

 I am worth it. 

 I am important. 

 I am needed. 

 And I am loved by the Creator who made us all uniquely different.

 And at the end of my life, I don't want to look Jesus in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I was afraid to follow the dreams you gave me."

Panic to Rest

 Time for some honesty...

A week ago, I may have had a panic attack and got really angry.

I find myself getting more and more irritated lately. Which I know is normal and probably expected.

And NOT liked at all.  In fact, it is one of the things I dislike the most about the way my chemical make up was designed. That story is for another time...

This story is about the ugly crying I did because I was so frustrated.

So many people have been telling us, "if you need anything, let us know".  

I did need something... help staining the stinking wood for the fence.  Exhaustion struck me hard and fast.

Working all day, taking care of Ted, taking care of the dogs, taking care of the house work and all of the yard work and attempting to take care of myself while staining as much as I could before the fence went up was just too much.

I lost it.

Tears fell to the floor.

My shirt became a snot rag.

Puffy eyes were my companion.

All I wanted was help.

Then I pulled up my panties, determined to do more, and stained the night away without music, just my thoughts in quiet time with God. 

That is when I realized that I cope with stress by adding more stress.  

Sounds crazy, right?  

When I am in a project, I lose myself in it.  In this case, for those hours of doing something I can control in staining wood, my husband was not dying of cancer which is something I cannot control.

God was teaching me during those moments that I, Mary, can only do so much.  I knew everything wouldn't be done in time and that it would be exactly as it was meant to me.

Psalm 34: 4, "I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears."

Friday evening arrived.

And God showed up in big, HUGE, ways.

I was able to see a friend I have not seen since March and her wonderful husband who used the tools they had to bless us with holes for the fence posts.

For anyone who has ever done any kind of fencing, the holes alone can take half the day or more if done manually.  This was now something we did not need to spend time on.

Then it was Saturday morning.

Friends from Arkansas and Colorado were here with their family. Friends from our area showed up.  Family brought food, so much food.

Work was done.

A fence was raised.

Gates were built.

People were fed.

God showed up.

Guys, I was truly planning out ways on how I could put this fence up myself.

God said, no, Mary.  He said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdended, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28.

Rest.  What?!

What is this rest?  

Let me tell you what it looks like.

Sunday morning, I was able to open the back door and let my dogs out in the morning and make myself a cup of coffee while they ran around and did their morning release.

Knowing that I didn't have to worry about them running into the road or to the neighbor's house who have threatened to call the police on us if we get our dogs from their yard, was HUGE!

Being able to be outside and enjoy the weather with them is HUGE!  

And guys, that is not all.

Because God tends to give us more than what we need, he also enjoys giving us what we want.

Flowers and plants were moved from places the dogs were destroying to our drainage ditch.  This is something I have been wanting to do for months but have not had the energy or time to do it.  

Weeds were pulled in our front landscaping and trees were trimmed.

And finally, our chickens got a bigger, better home! 

I may have been dancing when they were able to get out and explore and dig in the dirt and eat bugs and be a chicken.  What is even better, is that I can open up a gate and let them roam around our entire back yard now and not worry about animal control coming again for them!  

To me, allowing our animals to be who they were created to be is a wonderful thing.

God showed up this weekend.

He gave me rest.

He gave me peace.

He showered us with love through so many people.

I pray that next time, I am able to trust God a bit more through my fears because, truly, he has it all figured out already and all I need to do is go along with the flow.

Fog

1 Peter 5:10  "And the God of all grace, who call you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."

Blah on this verse.  Truly. 

Why can't I go back to my naive way of life where everything was sunshine and rainbows? 

Where, in the back on my mind, I know that something was going to rock our entire way of life upside down so that our faith would be truly tested as it had never been before?  Where it would ebb and flow as true faith does in people.  It' super hard to find a person who has never once doubted God and his plans- especially in the midst of suffering.

The kind of suffering where I am on my knees begging "why?".

Not capable of understanding any of it.

Not willing or wanting to know the answer to why as I may not like it all and resent my creator.

I find myself in the pit of an acidic stomach being melted away by the thick dark fog.  Where I simply am unwilling to open my eyes because it hurts too much.  The heavy darkness surrounds me like a blanket keeping me tucked into a bed I never want to leave.

Then slowly, oh so slowly, the thick fog begins to recede.  I still don't know why, but I am shown more, able or allowing myself to see more.  To not perhaps understand, but rather accept.  To go with the flow of where the fog is a bit clearer at.  Little things begin to start to creep in- the sun's rays warming my face, a kiss on the face from my dog, a meme that I allowed myself to LOL at.  Thing I never though twice about before become huge milestones to get to the end of the day.  There is a flicker of hope.

The without warning- the fog dences and I am alone yet again- grief, sadness, exhaustion, heaviness presses on every fiber of my body pushing and pulling me back into the darkness.

Sometimes, I let it.

It's comfortable.  I feel like this is where people expect me to be at. In the darkness.

Then a slight hiccup, and again, the darkness seems to regurgitate me like a spicy tuna roll as if I am no longer wanted in it's pit.

I begin to enjoy, gulp, waking up to new days, new opportunities- to wondering how today may be different than the next.  The accepting the changes that suffering has brought yet now allowing it to consume me completely. 

Life is still being lived.  Demands to be lived.  Whether I like it or not.

Sometimes, going through the motions is ok.  It is enough.  Sometimes.

But that is not what God wants from us.  He doesn't want zombies who are down in the stomach of despair- he want us to enjoy the little things- even in the midst of the pressing darkness. 

He wants us to be a light for others.  To love them when they are being swallowed up by suffering.

To his hands, his feet, his shoulder for others to cry on.

Perhaps that is the best "because" answer we will ever get this side of Heaven. 

changes

Life is wild.
A year ago I was so worried about money, medical insurance, house duties, health, kids, animals, life.

But I gave them all to God and a peace beyond understanding replaced the worry and fear.

Now, I have a new job that I love that pays so much better than general rv ever could with amazing insurance and a retirement plan that will set us up vry nicely in 25 years.
Ted is still in remission YAY!!! and his strength & stamina are slowly getting better.  But what has grown so much is his faith.  I love watching him draw closer to Jesus and hear God's voice speak to him.

Faith has led us to many places in our lives.  When I applied for the job, I gave it to God.  If I was meant to move, then the doors would open wide for me.  And they did.

I took that same attitude with house hunting.  Our family is not trailer park material.  This place has served us well, and I will never regret moving here when we did and selling the home we loved even though it was so difficult to do.  We met some great people and have been able to pay off more than half of our debt which is a fantastic feeling, but I felt a nudge to start looking again.

If you are house hunting at all in this market, then you know that there is not much out there as everyone is trying to buy since rent is insane (at least in West Michigan). So that means when you find something you like, you can't sit on it for awhile and think over it... you have to move fast.

On Thursday evening, we looked at a home not too far from where I grew up at.  It's older, built in the mid 60's, but has had so much work already done to it.  The place also has a pole barn, mature trees, corn fields on three sides, and so much potential.  And the best part.... Ted loves it.  He couldn't stop talking about it.  So we put in an offer along with two other parties and the accepted ours!

I am honestly still in shock about it.  I was fully prepared to continue our search for something else.  I had been praying that if it was God's will, then the doors will open up wide for us to walk through.  And they did.

One of the things that I like about it is that we will be closer to our sweet friend and her kids again.

You see, just under a month ago, her husband, our dear friend was driving home from work and then suddenly was not.

His soul was transferred up to Heaven and his body stayed here for his family and tribe to mourn.

Nick, Jacci and their kids have been such an integral part of lives for 15 years now.  God knew what he was doing when we all met in a basement of a home to have a meeting to start a new church and a new framily.

There are so many memories of Nick floating around my head of different things we all did together.  Some make me laugh, some make me cry, others I wonder how I didn't strangle the man.  But all of them are pure Nick and his essence of fighting for what he loves and cares for the most.

About a year ago, Ted had a pulmonary embolism that almost took his life.  Nick was there at the hospital with us and on facebook telling people to give us space, to respect our time together.  He thought, as we all did, that Ted may not make it.

Now, for whatever reason we will never grasp, we are in the opposite boat, supporting Nick's family the way they supported ours.

I know that we can never ever replace Nick - I honestly wouldn't want to, he wore a big mouth and a hot leather hat - but we can show his family the love that he has shown ours.

This new to us home will put us in a place where we can love on them easier and on others as we will have room again for people who may need a place to stay.

I don't know where you are at in life.  What you are struggling with.  But I do encourage you to give it all to God.  To give him the chance to help you through it.  Simply tell him that you are listening and then listen.  He will speak to you if you are quiet enough to hear.

Dusting Off

One of the many things I love about people is that we are so very different in dynamics.  How absolutely boring would our world (and lives) be if we were all the same?  There would be no point in asking questions as we would already know the answers.  

We would all love the same things.

Hate the same things.

Fall the same way.

What is terrible about this scenario is that we would not know any better.

God didn't create us to be all the same.  He made us different.  Unique.  Complicated.

For a reason.

Maybe it is to love more people?  Help more people?  Cherish more people?

Maybe it is to love our circle more.  Help our circle more?  Cherish our circle more?

Some are called to go out and do.  Others are called to stay and do.  That is OKAY.

Want to know what else is OKAY?

Having highs and lows.

Asking God why?

Yelling at God.

Screaming at God.

Questioning God.

He created us with minds that are so inquisitive.  Always wanting to know more.  Always searching for more.  Always demanding more.

When we don't get answers, guess what, it is OKAY.

It's OKAY to feel down.  Defeated.  In the slumps.

If we never felt like that in our lives, then how can God lift us up?

If we never face trials, how can God get us through them?

If we never know what it is to need, how can God fill it?

If we are never weak and weary, how can God renew our strength?

I truly believe in my heart that we have to feel it all to appreciate it all to help others go through it all.  

Isaiah 40: 28-31 says:

Do you now know?  Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

God doesn't expect us to be strong and agile all the time.  That is his job.  

He doesn't want us to fall, but when we do, he is there to pick us up, help dust us off, and gives us strength to continue on the journey ahead.

It is my hope that we can celebrate and learn from the highs and lows in our lives.  That we may feel thankful and blessed for having the opportunity to experience them, learn from them, and help God lift others up through them.

Vows

What are vows? 

A promise?  A solemn oath?  A formal and dignified guarantee?

Something to work towards EVERYTHING SINGLE DAY whether you feel like it or not.

Eighteen years ago today, I took the following vows:

"In the name of God,
I, Mary Ann Otis,
take you, Theodore Mattingly,
to be my husband,
to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better,
for worse,
for richer,
for poorer,
in sickness
and in health,
to love and to cherish,
until we are parted by death.
This is my solemn vow."

In the last 18 years, we have gone through all of those things this side of Heaven.

Has it always been easy?
Not at all.
There are days when we both choose to fight for our marriage even when we are so angry or disappointed or both in the other.
Those are the times we learn to love stronger.
We have lived through abundant financial means.
We have also known what it is like to say "no" to more things than "yes" as we live paycheck to paycheck and then not have a paycheck.
In sickness.
In health. 
Cancer is a terrible sickness, so is the man cold, or spraining an ankle, or having a surgery.  Sickness makes the health seem so much more glorious to me.  Health is something to take advantage of.  To truly go out and do something you enjoy doing every single day while you still can because one day you may get a phone call that will turn your world inside out but because you took a vow and because you love deeper than you ever thought possible, you do what do you need to do to prolong the final parting of a marriage that has best thing that has ever happened to you.

That is my solemn vow.

A Tattoo of my Love

When I first met the love of my life, I was not a fan of tattoos.  I had a deep belief that if God wanted me to have one, then I would have born with it.

Then I grew up and realized how closed minded and judgmental I was being.  Especially toward other people.  Perhaps their tattoos told a story about them, about something special that has happened in their lives, or maybe just a bit of fun with something to do.

That's why back in 2002, I got my first tattoo.  And then my second because we all know you can't just have one.... they are bit addictive.

Fast forward 15 years, and I now have 7, with the newest one being just a few hours old.

When I think of Ted, I think of an eagle (even though he is loving called Sasquatch by friends).

Over the years that we have been together, one of my favorite pass times has been to watch Ted soar through life with strength and fierceness that cannot be taught.  To watch him dive into water and pull out a large fish to feed his family with.  Then witness him sitting up on a cliff watching over the skies to ensure safety for the brood warming under his gentle wings.

Storms have come and gone, but the one thing that has never wavered is my husband's absolute determination to fight for what he loves.

Cancer may be the biggest, fiercest storm that he will ever endure, but he has been tackling it with such grace and fierceness that I can only reflect those attributes in the form of an eagle.

Photo credit and tattoo artist:  Stephen Bateman from Lighting Revival

This tattoo is Ted.  

Strong.  

Peaceful.  

Fierce.  

Protective.  

Gentle.  

Fighter.  

Passionate.  

Side Note:

Ted likes the tattoo but mentioned the talons being a bit not right.... I think they are perfect in the representation of him, because... have you seen Ted's feet?  😉😂😇

Two months in!

This was our last family picture taken so far.
It is not our last.
Look into our eyes and you can see the grief.
The fear.
Sadness.
Two days before this was taken is when we heard the "c" word for our family.
There was know way of knowing what the following two months would bring.
In these two months, we have have felt God's love showered upon us in ways we will never understand this side of Heaven.
The thing is, we would never have felt it if it were not for all of you reading these words.
Your prayers of encouragement and support have kept us going every single day. Kept us living every day even when we may not know how we are going to continue.  Because of you, we do continue.

So many angels in human bodies busted their rear end for us this past Saturday to feed breakfast to family and strangers alike.  How is that around 350 people showed up for us?  To support us?
In our minds, we are no one special.  We are your everyday American family trying to do better for our kids in the circumstances that we are in.  Our mistakes are abundant.  But our love is great and each day is new and fresh with possibilities.

Throughout Psalms, David praises God.  Psalms 145: 2 I'll bless you EVERYDAY, and keep it up from now to eternity.  3b There are no boundaries to his greatness.  6a Your marvelous doings are headline news.  8 God is all mercy and grace- not quick to anger, is rich in love.  9 God is good to one and all; everything he does is suffused (over spread) with grace.  14 God gives a hand to those down on their luck, gives a fresh start to those ready to quit. 17 Everything God does is right- the trademark on all his works is love.  18 God's there, listening for all who pray, for all who pray and mean it.

This has been the last two months for our family.  God has shown up ways I could have never fathomed (human imagination and all).  He is allowing us to be taken care of and loved on so abundantly.

For this next week, we will be away.  Regrouping as a family before school starts. Before stem cell transplant appointments begin.  While we are as close to "normal" as we can be this side of diagnosis.  Please pray for us to have a very safe trip.  That Ted listens to his body (and his wife) when it is time to rest.  For traffic to be minimal.  That siblings show love and grace rather than rivalry and arguments.  And finally, that loving memories with lots of pictures are brought home.

God's Hands and Feet

Have you ever stopped and wondered why you are in the position you are in?

Why you live in the house you do?

Join one club over another?

Volunteer in a particular group and not something else?

Why you took one job and not the other?

Have you ever just been alone in your thoughts to ponder about your current circumstances- all of them?

Before a few weeks ago, I really didn't, either.

But over these past few weeks, God has shown me more whys than I ever thought I would know or truly ever questioned before.

For example:  when we moved to Dorr in 2003, we met some amazing neighbors that quickly became good friends.  One such person introduced us to a horse, Jersey, that I fell in love with.  Ted was working a full and part time job at that time, and his co-worker turned friend introduced us to a great family that has horses where we ended up boarding Jersey at for a long time.  Fast forward to 2015 and that family introduces us to a 4H group, Rindin' Wild, where we instantly felt connected and at home.  That amazing group has now embraced our family in the biggest hug possible by providing us with the below picture.

If the print is too small to read, it says that 45 round bales have been pre-paid for us by Ridin' Wild.  FORTY FIVE BALES!!!!  For those that don't know, round bales average between $45 and $55 dollars.  Our horses eat one round bale every 7 to 9 days.  This hay will last for just about a year!

Oh, the name of our hay guy, Royal (he has a twin brother Loyal), we met him through our current neighbor whom we adore.  Royal is one of the greatest old time farmers you will ever meet.  Just about every day he is out tending to his cattle, bailing hay, helping with his wife's horses, taking care of her, his brother, and did I mention he is in his late 70's?  Because of the house God has placed us in now, we have been blessed with Royal and his friendship.  And with the friendship of an amazing neighbor that has been with us through some very heartbreaking moments (putting Jersey down).

Just last week, I was a bit, okay, a LOT, scared about our future finances.  Then an angel from the community, someone that has a child Christian's age, visited me at work.  She handed me a card saying that they were praying for us, and within that card was enough money to pay several of our bills for the month!

Sunday, many friends and family came out to our home to do yard work and continue on with the dog mansion.  So much was done!  A bit of our over grown jungle was taken out and a large kennel fence put up.  They were also able to take out our old chicken coop and add that to the fencing for the dogs.  It would have taken me weeks to do all of this on my own, and in a matter of a few hours, we were all able to get it done.  It is one large step to getting those beagles outside.

Even though Ted was laid off, his employer is providing six months of continued health insurance.  This is HUGE for us as we have already met our out of pocket max.  This also gives us six months to get him onto Medicare or another insurance to continue to fight the cancer.

My employer has been a huge blessing.  Besides encouraging me to be with Ted as much as I can, they understand me.  My sweet boss has a husband that can no longer do things for himself.  There are days where we talk about our goofy hubbies and laugh at some of their quarks and days where our hearts break for the current situation.  Yet we both continue to live life each and every day even if we don't fully understand how.

Over the last two months, God has been showing up in so many ways.  People sending money to us has helped ease my financial worries, but even more so, the prayers.  Our family has been surrounded by so many prayers to the point that I am 100% convinced that my mind is not a mushy ball of goo because God is hearing them and responding to them.

Every single day I wake up, make coffee and read my bible.  Today, I kid you not, were two perfect verses that pertain to how I am feeling and what I am experiencing right now:

I took this picture as I was driving home from the 4H meeting.

Colossians 3:17- Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

In all that is going on, I must continue to thank God for something every single day. Lately, I have been thanking him for my snoring husband as it means I have another day with him.  But I also thank God every day for all of you, his hands and feet that are allowing God to use you in miraculous ways.  I can choose to be down in the dumps about our situation, or I can choose to embrace it and see God work in ways I could never imagine.

I don't know

Over the last seven weeks, many people have asked how they can help us.  What specifics we may need.

My answer is almost always the same... "I don't know" because the truth can shock the hell out of some people and it leaves us wide open for judgement.

"I don't know" is a very true answer.  I have worries.  So many of them.  I don't know how to handle them, how to solve them, or where to really begin.  

A few of you wanted to know some of the specifics of them, so I thought I would tear down a few walls and let you into my very active, very human, very anxiety filled mind.

Messy.

Our lives are messy.  Before cancer, and especially now after.

Ted and I have kept ourselves pretty busy with the kids and animals and general hobby farm work.  Our house is never spotless, and that was okay because we live here and have been enjoying it.  Having three dogs adds a lot to our plate, especially when one of them has ADD when outside and comes inside to do her business.  On average, when I see it, it take me 45 min a day to clean up after her and the other beagle, Todd (if one can do it why not the other?)  Almost every morning I get to spend 30 to 45 min cleaning up after the dogs, even when I let them out at night and first thing in the morning.  It is so frustrating for me.  I could leave them in the sun room at night, but they spend the day there, and is that fair to them?  We were honestly thinking of putting them down.  It can't be ethical to drop dogs off at the pound that are like that, and their age (almost 9)... who would adopt them together?  They should stay together, right?  They have kids together.  They have been with each other for 8 years.  What are we to do with them?  Keeping them outside isn't an option... they bark way to much and our neighbors and Ted would not like that at all.  Thankfully, a friend from work is stepping up and taking them both (found this out today).  We will miss them so much, but I know they will be loved on daily and also that we can go to visit them whenever we want to.  

Our floors in the house need a lot of help thanks to the dogs and kids (and a rabbit and cat).  The rabbit is now outside, but the cat keeps coming in.  She is my baby and I really will miss her cuddles and kisses and a piece of me will die when she does.  But she (Nala) doesn't like her litter box.  So in an attempt to get the floors clean for Ted, Nala has to get outside and stay outside.  I may need someone to come and get her, as she has always been a house cat, my cat and I'm not sure how I can handle losing more animals.  But they are animals and not nearly as important as my hubby.

Today, Ted was laid off from his job because he is a liability to them if he gets hurt.  They were hoping that he could claim unemployment but we need to make a few phone calls to see if that is possible or not with being unemployable and the social security disability application in process.

That means that as of right now, we are a single income family.  I bring home less than $2,000 a month.  Our mortgage payment is $1680 a month.  We cannot survive on what I make no matter where we live.  Now, through into the mix the two vehicle payments, insurance, the credit cards that I was working hard on paying off, cell phone bill, and television on top of food, gas, and electric... there is no way we can pay it all, not even half.  If you follow Dave Ramsey, he says to keep paying on the essentials such has home and vehicles.  My pay won't cover those.  

Doesn't Ted get VA and SSI?

Not yet.  SSI should kick-in in six months.  Yup, it will take them that long to have the application fast tracked.  Then guess what?  It takes 24 months for Medicare to kick in!  Two entire years!  What the hell are we to do in the mean time?  Ted has to have treatment?  He has to see a doctor.  Thankfully, for three more months, he has insurance.  Then what?  Is my husband gonna die that much sooner because of our government and their effing policies? 

VA?  He was denied medical insurance through the VA.  Made too much money last year.  They don't look into your current situation, just your tax returns from the prior year.  Seems legit to me.  We are working on a disability claim through the VA.  If that gets approved, then hopefully we can continue with the current cancer center and not have to go through the VA doctors as they honestly frighten me.  I don't want him to get lost in the system and not be getting the best possible care there is.

I do not know what to do.  I think I need a bankruptcy lawyer.  If you know of a good one that has their clients in their best interest, let me know.  Sooner rather than later.  We need guidance as to how to proceed.

Then there are our kids.  They still need to participate in activities for school, scouts, robotics, and 4H/ equestrian team.  Those things have taught them so much about life and I really don't want to take them away.   Will I need to choose medication or an activity?  I hope not.

Ted and I adore our home. We have been able to open it up to so many people in need and meet some great teenagers from across the world.  Will we need to move?  Should we stop making house payments and get foreclosed on?  Should we have a big old work party, pack up everything we have and try to sell?  Do we sell everything we have inside the house and barn knowing that the very little we do have of value that we were going to pass down to the kids will get the most money?  I really don't know.

I don't know so many things right now.

I do, however, know that we are loved by so many people.  That God is surrounding us with such a peace that it can only be from him.  I know that if we lose everything that can be bought, we will never lose our hope.  Hope that tomorrow we wake up to give praise.  Hope that guidance will be given.  Hope that our kids are getting the support they need to get through this.  I have hope that God isn't done writing our story.  

Praising God in All Things

GUYS!!!  I can't make this up!!!  Look at the date!  June 13th, today.  This was my devotion for today.

God knows what is going on.

Yes, there is a 99.8% chance my husband of 17 years, the father of our two children, has multiple myeloma.

In all circumstances praise God.

An incurable, but treatable cancer of his plasma cells.

Whatever the circumstances.

His bones are porous, not dense like they should be.

We CAN find contentment.

He has a tumor that without it, we may not have known about the cancer.

God WILL walk us through this.

At times, I think I am simply going through the motions, completely emotionless.  But I know that isn't true.

Fear.  Anxiety.  Anger.  Sadness.  Confusion.  Overwhelmed.

I feel those.

But I also feel more.

Grateful.  Thankful.  Loved.  Supported.  Hope.  Contentment.

One thing I have learned already is to allow others to bless us.  This is so difficult to do as we are fairly prideful people, but I know that God is using you all in special ways in our lives.

Family and friends have gone above and beyond in their prayers for our family.  People are stepping and providing food for us and taking care of food for other responsibilities we had.  An unexpected bonus from Ted's work was given.  Friend's offered to pay for Alyssa's equestrian team sign up and offered to trailer her horse to practice so we don't have that stress.  Another offered to purchase a hospital bed to help Ted sleep more comfortably.

You are all angels.

Peace surrounds me because of your love and prayers.  I can never truly thank you enough.

I know that our journey has taken a direction we never thought would happen to us but because of you all and the mercy and grace of God, we will get through this.

We will fight this.

Ted will survive.

Now What?

Last night I hit the bed early because I wanted to be surprised when I woke up.  I fell asleep peacefully knowing that I voted for who I felt would be the best president for myself, family and friends of all ethnicities/ religions/ and sexual affiliations, and ultimately our country- knowing that person would not win because he is a libertarian.  So I knew that this morning, one of the other two would pull it off- I just didn't know who.

My prayers last night focused on peace in hearts and peace on the streets.  Both sides of the political spectrum had a lot of bashing by followers and my biggest concerns that I laid before my God was that that bashing simply stayed in my news feeds and not filter to the streets.

So far, I think that has happened.

One thing, however, saddens me deeply-

all of the posts of how parents are to explain to their kids that a bad, mean man was elected president.

Instead, why can't we explain to our children how the electoral college works?

How every single vote counts... I do believe my home state of Michigan is still not declaring a winner at this moment in time?

Let's explain to them the checks and balances that the founding fathers made to ensure that our president doesn't become a tyrant and do their own thing.

And most importantly, we should explain to our children that real change starts in our very own hearts.  

Our lives matter and we should use them to positively influence the world we live in.  

If that means smiling at strangers,

helping people put things in carts that are too heavy,

driving a family member to the doctor's, 

hugging someone who is happy or sad, 

buying a coffee for a co-worker, 

opening doors for people, 

raking leaving and shoveling snow for the elderly, 

fostering and or adopting a child who needs a home and love, 

sponsoring a child overseas from a third world country,

going on a missions trip,

paying a friend's bill who is struggling, 

the list goes on and on.

There is never a thing as too much love.

I believe we need to be that love.

To explain that to our children who will truly run the world tomorrow.

Truth and Q-tips

Each morning, I read a snippet of the Bible to the kids if they are in the room with me getting ready for school.

This morning's verse was from Ephesians 4:1-5.  Alyssa truthfully said that she did not like it.

Why? Because it's difficult to do what this passage says...

To completely humble....

Patient....

Gentle....

To make every effort for unity....

To love those that are not easy to love (Romans 5:8).

Dang, God, why do you have to tell us to do the impossible?!?!

Yet...

He does thus with us EVERY.  SINGLE. DAY.

Each day is a new chance, a new to try again.  Our circumstances may sick royaly, but He has given us an opportunity to look at it differently.

Case in point.

Two nights ago Christian called me to tell me something disgustingly grosse that Alyssa has been doing to his bedroom door for a while now. In true mom fashion, I sternly yelled at her to stop doing this thing.

So yesterday, I had to tell my manager, Ruth,  about it because I tell her all sorts of stories about the kids and because I knew that she could use a good laugh.

You see, Ruth's husband, Wayne, is in the hospital right now with an awful infection in his lungs. He is slowly getting g better, but the road is going to be long, and Ruth is a saint of a wife and is doing everything she can to take care of him and still work (sometime you need normalcy).

God totally knew that I would tell Ruth what Alyssa was doing...

I yelled sternly at my daughter, with a straight face, and some mom annoyance to....

Not put used q-tips in her brother's door.

There are hundreds of them in there.

Used.

If any witches out there are looking for an abundance of ear wax, they are more than welcome to take the entire door with them free of charge.

Needless to say, Ruth laughed. And it was a great sound to hear.

My hope and prayer for you today is to look at whatever is going on in your life right now and just imagine how God is going to use it for His glory.  I can pretty much guarantee that you won't even get close to what he has in the works, but maybe just thinking about it will help you to make today a little bit greater than yesterday.

Sorry, Not Sorry

As I was doing the dishes this morning and praying about all of things going around me - one thing continued to come to mind....

How people are calling each other names and saying that they are not true Christians or Americans because they want to protect their family and homeland rather than allow possible terrorists into their homes.

Before I get into that, however, I want to define one word:  refugee.

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a refugee is a person who has been FORCED to leave a country because of war or for religious or political reasons.

Here are just a few examples of the memes that I have seen:

The Indians and the Pilgrims.    To be honest, it has been a long time since I have been in school and learned about the Mayflower and it's inhabitants, so I had to do some research.  Back in 1607, a group called the English Separatist Church illegally left the Church of England and went to the Netherlands where they settled down.  In 1620, economic difficulties and fear of losing their English language and heritage lead them to set out for the New World.  While on board the Mayflower, 41 men signed the Mayflower Compact that became the foundation of the new colony's government.  Sadly, this document has been lost.  When the pilgrims found land, it took them several months to actually leave the Mayflower and live on land due to building storage and housing facilities.  It was after this time that the Native Americans and Pilgrims actually started to interact with each other.  By nothing but an act of God, the Native American that was interacting with these settlers knew how to speak English.  His name was Tisquantum or Squanto.  Squanto was forced into slavery by good old John Smith (remember him from the movie Pocchontas?) Somehow, Squanto escaped to England where he learned English, and made it back to his homeland to look for his tribe that sadly died of a plague (wonder who brought the plague here?).  Squanto spent his time as an interpreter and taught the Pilgrims how to plant corn, hunt beaver, and showed them where the best fishing holes were.  After Squanto's death, the relationship between the settlers and Native Americans deteriorated as the settlers started to occupy more and more land they killed the very people who helped them to survive to begin with.  William Bradford, one of the settlers from the Mayflower, feared that New England would be torn apart by violence and in 1675, his fear became a reality thanks to King Philip's War where approximately 3,750 Native Americans and 1,250 settlers were killed.

My point?

The original Pilgrims were not forced to leave England due to economical, political or religious reasons: they CHOSE to.

When they got here, all was good and well with the world for a time until the settlers wanted more.  And they got more by killing those who were already here, those who helped them to stay here.

This one is simply wrong.  Joseph and Mary were not fleeing anywhere.  According to the Bible, Luke 2: 1-7 tells us that Caesar Augustus issued a decree for a census to be taken and everyone had to go to their own towns to register.  That is what brought Joseph and Mary from Nazareth to Bethlehem- to register for a census, not because they were forced to flee their land due to economical, political or religious reasons.  It wasn't until AFTER Jesus was born that God spoke to Joseph in a dream to escape to Egypt to get away from Herod who was having all boys under the age of two killed.  After Herod's death, God spoke again to Joseph to return to Judea and then move to Nazareth due to Judea's ruler being Herod's son and Joseph not feeling safe.  Matthew 2: 13-23  So sure, Jesus and his parents were refugees moving from country to country for their lives.  That was God's plan all along.  Just like it was His plan for Jesus to die on a cross for our sins.

Yes, God tells us to love simply, purely, and wholeheartedly.  Yes, we are to be an example of Christ who accepted people where they were and even died for them.. for us.  We are even told to help out others in need (lots of Matthew 25 quotes are all over Facebook right now).  We are also told to pray for wisdom in all situations.  To ask God for guidance in all decisions.  To raise our families to know and love and fear God because perfect love casts out fear.

I get it, I really do.

But please stop trying to build yourselves up by saying that we originate from pilgrims who were NOT true refugees.  Because sadly, a lot of us do have ancestors that were on the Mayflower.  And sadly, a lot of Native Americans died because of them.  And there isn't a damn thing that we can do about it now.

History repeats it's self.  I don't want that part of history to be repeated.  Do you?

I don't want cleverly drawn memes to sway my family and friend's into falseness.

I know it's easy for me to sit here on my computer and type up these things without a care in the world other than what's for dinner because all of the refugees are across the globe and not in my backyard.

Does my heart break when I read the terribly graphic stories of people dying while fleeing their country?

You bet it does.

Do I want to help them out?

I sure do.

Will I?

Yes, through prayer.

Will I throw stones and curse those who make it to the states?

Absolutely not.

Will I love those that are here or will be here?

Sure I will.

Will I continue to defend my family in every way in the "just in case" situations?

You're damn straight I will.

A politician with any power, I am not.  But my voice is mine and I will use it to let others know that yes, I'm scared to let terrorists into my country.

Remember 9/11? Boston Marathon? Fort Hood?

You should be scared as well.

Until there is a better way to take care of the people of Syria and Iraq and ensure the safety of America, I will choose to not agree with anyone who wants to welcome them with open arms into the country I fought for when others who have fought for her are suffering.

I'm sorry if that seems closed minded and un-Christlike to some of you, but really, I'm not sorry at all for the way I feel.

I'm glad that we all have differing view points.  I'm thankful that we can share them without fear of prosecution.  I'm blessed to have friends with a passion to help others both here and abroad.

And I fear that people are not seeing that we are truly in the same book- just reading different chapters of it right now and that this may tear us all apart.

Please, don't let this tear our faith, our country and our relationships apart.

Differences in Service

It's hunting widow weekend!

Alyssa and I stayed up late watching movies, eating popcorn and pumpkin seeds and just laughing together!  This morning, she is still sleeping (it is currently 1130 am), and I have done laundry, dishes and read a lot of Bible verses.

You see, I'm confused a bit.  Okay, probably a lot.  So I skipped church so I could attempt to figure it out.  Before you get all confused on me about skipping church to find answers, which is completely backwards for a believing church goer, I figured that all those hunters outside right now are skipping church to worship in their own way, so I can, too.

Besides, I really wanted specific answers to specific questions.

Right now, our French brothers and sisters are facing what America faced 14 years ago for 9/11- just on a smaller scale.

They are hurting, scared, worried and wanting answers just like we were doing.  They are also pulling together as a country, just like we did.

I think the biggest difference is that they closed their boarders, we opened ours up more.

When a devastation like this occurs, I will tend to read only one or two FaceBook articles and then I pray.  The attack on Paris was no different.

The second article I read said that one of the suicide bombers yelled "This is for Syria" before detonating himself to kill innocent people.  Here is the link.  At that very moment, I thought about how possible it would be for a terrorist to enter into America with the Syrian refugees and kill more innocent lives here.  Then I remembered that a city not too far from me has said that they will be accepting Syrian refugees.  Here is a link to that.

In my military trained head, red flags are flying everywhere.  I have family and friends that refugees are their passion.  All it takes is for one ISIS "refugee" to come here and wreak all sorts of hell.

So then, what is the answer?  How can we protect our families and our friends against this happening?  The sad and real answer is that we can't.

Background checks on all refugees will only get so far, and even then, only males between the ages of 18 and 45 are going to be getting them before they come into the US.  Here is that link.  What is also scary about this is that the background checks really won't do much good to begin with because the infrastructure in Syria, Iraq and other Middle East nations is nothing compared to what we have here in the states.  A full blown terrorist could pass through all of the check points as a refugee and attack us in our neighborhood.

If we shut the boarders down, though, what happens to all those who are really refugees?  There is a real fight for one's life in the Middle East right now to get away from the terrorist cells.  Thousands of families are fleeing the only homes they ever knew in an attempt to live and allow their children to live.  This is something that I will probably never have to face in my lifetime, nor my children's children will need to face.  As a christian, I know we are supposed to help the least of these in every possible way.  God tells us that when we open our hearts and homes to the poor, we are helping Him (Matthew 25).  We are told to love our our neighbor as ourselves (Matthew 22:39) and to love our enemies (Matthew 5:44), as well.

Does that love mean to then put our family in harms way to help someone else out?

I am really struggling with that.  I don't for one second believe that God would want me to knowingly put my family at risk by allowing a potential terrorist into my home.  And I think that there in lies the answers I have been looking for.

You see, my gifts are not your gifts.  The way I love and work for God is not the same as your love and work for God.  That is how we were created.  If we all had the same passion as everyone else to serve God in the same capacity, then we would be living in a very one-sided body of Christ.

Just because I fear for my family and friends, I cannot stop them from nor degrade them for doing what they feel in their heart and soul that they should be doing for God- helping the refugees who may or may not be terrorists in disguise.  Just like I hope they don't mind me telling them to be careful in what they are doing because if I didn't I would not like myself at all.  That would be like a parent not telling their child to not run into the road because there may or may not be a car on it.

If I allowed that fear to control me, that would be wrong, as well.  God tells us to go out into the World and spread his light.  I can't do that in my own community-where I feel called to be a light at-if I allow my light to stay nice and cozy in my own house because I don't trust God enough to protect me from that World.

We all have a place in serving in God's Kingdom.  My prayer is that we don't look down upon our brothers and sisters who are working differently for that Kingdom than we are.

Now it's time to go out and enjoy this beautiful day with my daughter while the boys are in the woods.

Lessons from God on parenting on a ...... coffee cup????

Parenting is difficult.

Parenting to raise responsible, respectful, and won't live with you forever kids is down right the most challenging thing anyone can do, especially with my kids.  (I'm hoping that all parents are thinking "if you only had my kids, you'd think differently"  Please tell me you are thinking that.)

Last night, I was shopping for things for a baby that may potentially become my nephew.  I say potentially because my sister and her husband are working on adopting this baby and until it is in their arms and the baby is 5 days old, the birth mom could change her mind and choose to raise the baby on her own.  My youngest turns 13 in 6 days, and baby things have changed so much since then.  Sure, my sister did register, but I wasn't near one of those stores, so I improvised.  All this baby shopping made me think of my babies and how much they have changed over the years.

From running around naked chasing each other after bath time to running around yelling at each other after school (OK, maybe things haven't changed THAT much) they have one thing in common if nothing else- each other (and red hair).

They also bring forth new adventures for me. (They have to be adventures, otherwise they turn into problems, and my kids are never problems even though it would be so easy to categorize some of things they do as such.)

A couple of weeks ago, Christian had a mandatory first aid training up in Camp Gerber to prepare him better for the summer of volunteering on the Cub Scout side for (gulp) 8 weeks.  After checking the website and times twice, we left the house at 0630 so we would have time to stop for Biggby on the way up.

When we get there we find out that the training has been cancelled.

Sigh.

An email was sent out about a week before hand stating this.  Christian never got the email.  I checked the website, twice, no changes there- training should have been on.  

Double sigh.

But... this was a very good teachable moment for us both.  I could have gotten angry about it.  After all, this was my day off from work where I could have slept in.  It's also 3 hours of wasted time in driving.  Or was it?

Instead of going home, I found some trails through the Manistee National Forest so Christian and I went hiking.

This was so much better than me waiting around for the training to get done for 8 hours by myself.  We were able to talk and laugh and tell each other things that should only be shared between a mom and her son.  I was in Heaven.

Then there is my mini me, Alyssa who hasn't learned yet that the words may not be bad, but the way you say them is.

I, like other parents, am living vicariously through my daughter in one thing, horses.  God has blessed me with a hubby that supports my passion for horses and I get to share this blessing with my kids.  Even though Christian can ride well, Alyssa really loves to ride.

Her confidence in riding has grown so much over this last year and it has leaked into other areas of her life, which I love.

Last weekend, the Wayland Junior Equestrian team had their one and only show.  Working up to last weekend, there were a couple of fuzzy horse shows that we used as practice for both the horse and rider where the rider was a little less than grateful for.  

OK, a LOT less than grateful for.  

FINE, she was a pain in the butt and treated me like the dirt below the horse manure.  

We actually left the horse shows early because of this.  I would not allow her to treat me like that and get what she wanted at the same time.  It was "so sad" for all my love and logic friends out there. 

The day of the E-Teams show started out much the same as the practice ones.  After talking with one of the coaches, she suggested I step back and allow the other older kids to take care of it.  

I did just that.  

BEST ADVICE EVER!  

The attitude toward me stopped because, well, I wasn't there to receive it.  I was able to enjoy watching her ride, and place in 2 out of 3 events she was in.  I was allowed to cheer her on without that anger within me.  It was freeing in so many ways. 

Excitement and pride replaced the hurt and for me, that was huge.

This past week has been slightly challenging with the kids.

For some reason, they think that the school is almost over and that it's OK to not do home work or their assigned chores. 

As soon as I get home from work and notice that chores are not done, I get mad and frustrated and start "yelling" at them (I don't usually "yell", it's more of a stern talking to). 

Then I get the missing assignment notifications on my phone and get more upset.  

My kids are smart, why in the world can they not turn in their assignments?  

So they get "yelled" at some more. 

At this point, I put myself in time out by going outside to play with the horses or garden or go for a bike ride or a walk...anything to get away from that very helpless feeling. 

I can't make them do things they don't want to do.  

I can encourage them, I can take things away that they want, and I can yell. Sometimes, but not often, these tactics work.  

What I have found that works is prayer.

I was listening to a pastor talk yesterday about the story of Jesus turning water into wine for a wedding.  I had heard and read about this story a hundred times and yet I missed one huge aspect about it.  

The person who noticed the wine was out did not ask God for more wine.  

He didn't ask God for the people to go home before they realized the wine was gone.  

He didn't ask God for anything.  

All he did was simply say "the wine is gone". 

Jesus took care of the rest in a way no one had thought about praying for because it was a true miracle that went beyond our simple minded comprehension.

Jesus did what was beyond our understanding of the world simply because a man brought a problem to him and allowed Jesus to figure it out.

Huh.           Crazy simple.            Crazy magnificent.  

My challenge to myself now is to pray simple without giving God the answers to the problems.

God, my kids are missing assignments.

God, my kids are not doing their chores.

God, my kids are lying.

God, my kids are stealing.

God, my kids are being disrespectful.

God, my heart is getting weak.

God, I'm growing weary.

God, I don't know what to do.

God, the house is a mess.

And before I knew what the question really was that I had, God answered me in the form of a coffee cup.

 God does talk to us and does answer our heart's desires if we only allow Him to.

My Grandma

Yesterday, my grandma celebrated her 78th birthday!  I remember 28 years ago when we celebrated her 50th and a card I made for her that said "50 is nifty but aren't you glad you're not 60?"

Man, that truly feels like it was yesterday, and absolutely not at all 28 years ago.  How in the heck can she be that old?  How can I be that old?

One of the things I love about my grandma is that I was her first.  Selfish, right? :)  Being her first grand kid, she celebrated my arrival by drinking a 6 pack of beer by herself in the wee hours of the morning because no one else would get up to celebrate with her.

How cool of a grandma do I have?

But that's not all.  She is one of the single most constants in my life that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can run to and cry, laugh, rant, whatever I need to do and she will listen to me always with open arms.  She may not always think that my choices are wise, but at the same time, she allows me to learn my own lessons without judgement and always with an open heart.

My grandma was born in 1937.  She has experienced first hand record players, black and white TVs, 8 track cassettes, great big tube televisions, cassette players, computers that take up an entire room to run 500 mb, beta max, floppy disks, VHS, DOS computers, CDs, DVDs, Blu Rays, flat screen TVs, kindles, ipads, rotary phones, touch pad phones, big box car phones, cells phones that were huge then got tiny, smart phones that were tiny then got huge, etc... what I love about my grandma is that she has experienced all of these things.  She may not have always embraced it fully, but I kid you not, she has a smart phone, a smart TV, a lap top, and reads from her kindle all the time.  How flipping awesome is that?

And that is just some of the electronics (she loves her kuerig, too).

Think about what life was like in the 1940s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, the turn of the century to now....

How far has our society come in such a short time with racial segregation (by the way, one of her good friends in school was black).  How far women in general have come.  I have a 1956 Better Homes and Garden magazine.  Looking at the ads alone, women were meant to be in the home, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, while the men worked- all of the ads portray women in those roles.  Now we see men and women in these roles as well as men and women in working roles.  Before I joined the army, I was working at a home for developmentally disabled older men.  I told one of them, Walter, that I was joining the Army, and he said that I would make a great WAC.  A what?  WAC stands for the Women's Army Corp.  Yep, just like those with darker skin color had their own unit, so did women.  Both groups did the mundane, but necessary, tasks of laundry, cooking, and cleaning.  Walter didn't know that by 1998, when I joined, women were allowed to be in a majority of military fields.

My grandma has lived through so much social, economical, and technical changes in her 78 years of life that it truly makes me wonder what the next 25 years will bring her (that's when she says she will die... at age 103).  In 25 years, she will more than likely be a great great grandma.  Maybe even a great great great grandma.... yikes, that would make me a great grandma then... which could happen if in 6 years when my oldest is 20 (double yikes), and he has a kid, and if that kid has a kid at age 19.... OK, I have to stop.... I'm about to put chastity belts on both my kids and unborn grand kids...

But her being a great great great grandma is plausible.

The thing is, she already is a GREAT, HARDWORKING, FANTASTIC, WONDERFUL, CARING, GIVING, LOVING GRANDMA.

And I truly can't imagine what my life would have been like without her example to follow.

I love you, Grandma, More than you know.