1 Peter 5:10 "And the God of all grace, who call you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
Blah on this verse. Truly.
Why can't I go back to my naive way of life where everything was sunshine and rainbows?
Where, in the back on my mind, I know that something was going to rock our entire way of life upside down so that our faith would be truly tested as it had never been before? Where it would ebb and flow as true faith does in people. It' super hard to find a person who has never once doubted God and his plans- especially in the midst of suffering.
The kind of suffering where I am on my knees begging "why?".
Not capable of understanding any of it.
Not willing or wanting to know the answer to why as I may not like it all and resent my creator.
I find myself in the pit of an acidic stomach being melted away by the thick dark fog. Where I simply am unwilling to open my eyes because it hurts too much. The heavy darkness surrounds me like a blanket keeping me tucked into a bed I never want to leave.
Then slowly, oh so slowly, the thick fog begins to recede. I still don't know why, but I am shown more, able or allowing myself to see more. To not perhaps understand, but rather accept. To go with the flow of where the fog is a bit clearer at. Little things begin to start to creep in- the sun's rays warming my face, a kiss on the face from my dog, a meme that I allowed myself to LOL at. Thing I never though twice about before become huge milestones to get to the end of the day. There is a flicker of hope.
The without warning- the fog dences and I am alone yet again- grief, sadness, exhaustion, heaviness presses on every fiber of my body pushing and pulling me back into the darkness.
Sometimes, I let it.
It's comfortable. I feel like this is where people expect me to be at. In the darkness.
Then a slight hiccup, and again, the darkness seems to regurgitate me like a spicy tuna roll as if I am no longer wanted in it's pit.
I begin to enjoy, gulp, waking up to new days, new opportunities- to wondering how today may be different than the next. The accepting the changes that suffering has brought yet now allowing it to consume me completely.
Life is still being lived. Demands to be lived. Whether I like it or not.
Sometimes, going through the motions is ok. It is enough. Sometimes.
But that is not what God wants from us. He doesn't want zombies who are down in the stomach of despair- he want us to enjoy the little things- even in the midst of the pressing darkness.
He wants us to be a light for others. To love them when they are being swallowed up by suffering.
To his hands, his feet, his shoulder for others to cry on.
Perhaps that is the best "because" answer we will ever get this side of Heaven.
Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts
Saturday, December 15, 2018
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Questions and Answers
It still hasn't kicked in that I probably saved my husband's life on Sunday.
That bringing him to the ER because of his sporadic breathing, confusion, and bulging non-dilating eyes would find a few more serious problems on top of or maybe because of the cancer.
My fear increased as the day went on in the ER. Watching him sweat profusely. Talking gibberish. Not really present in the conversation. Falling in and out of consciousness. Gray skin. Swollen ankles. X rays taken followed by CT scan to get a better look. Blood tests, urine samples, more blood tests. Watching his O2 monitor drop to the 50s not being sure if that was due to sleep apnea or not as it would jump back up to the 90s when awake. Watching the nursing staff and expert IV givers try and fail to run a line due to his veins rolling and being squishy. Needles jamming into his wrist to get a more blood.
The bruises that followed quickly. So many bruises.
Finding the blood clot in his right lung stuck in a secondary artery. Unable to be removed and hoping to be dissolved or at the least, getting a hole in it to allow more blood flow.
Learning that he had an extensive amount of C02 in his blood. That the only way to fix it would be to wear a bipap machine with a mask that he hated. Hearing the doctors ask if they could put a tube down his throat if it got bad enough.
Being admitted to an ICU room. Having visitors show up to pray for my life partner. Seeing the fear in their eyes. The love in their hearts. The compassion in their souls. Knowing that they would stop and do anything for me if I asked them to.
Restless nights in the hospital. Talking to doctors, nurses, residents, aids, students, family and friends. Trying to keep everyone updated. Trying to remember to eat. Trying to stay in contact with my kids. Trying to be strong for my man.
Finding out the CT scan results of several (too many too count) spinal compression fractures. Things that will never heal. My strong husband will forever be in pain this side of Heaven. He will always be on medication. He will no longer be able to pick me up. Perhaps he won't be able to shoot a large gun or sit in a tree stand. He may never be able to fly again. Or work on trucks with his bare hands.
He will always need a walker or cane. The body brace. The medication. He may one day need a wheelchair. Am I strong enough to push him everywhere?
Will I ever lay in bed next to him again?
Will we be able to go on that family vacation we have always wanted to go on?
Changes need to be made. Are we, am I, capable of making those decisions? Do I call on the help offered by so many? Do I continue to trust God? Am I capable of trusting Him through this all? Will He continue to be there for us through this entire journey like he has been for the beginning of it? Will I burn out my friends on needing their help? Will I burn out? My kids?
How will we afford to live? What needs to be sold? How can we make those decisions? I don't know what to eat most days, how will I be able to know if I should pay one bill and not the other? What I should say yes or no to?
So many questions. Fears. So many answers, so many ways. Too many answers, too many ways.
Tonight, I sleep with questions. Maybe tomorrow I wake up with answers.
That bringing him to the ER because of his sporadic breathing, confusion, and bulging non-dilating eyes would find a few more serious problems on top of or maybe because of the cancer.
My fear increased as the day went on in the ER. Watching him sweat profusely. Talking gibberish. Not really present in the conversation. Falling in and out of consciousness. Gray skin. Swollen ankles. X rays taken followed by CT scan to get a better look. Blood tests, urine samples, more blood tests. Watching his O2 monitor drop to the 50s not being sure if that was due to sleep apnea or not as it would jump back up to the 90s when awake. Watching the nursing staff and expert IV givers try and fail to run a line due to his veins rolling and being squishy. Needles jamming into his wrist to get a more blood.
The bruises that followed quickly. So many bruises.
Finding the blood clot in his right lung stuck in a secondary artery. Unable to be removed and hoping to be dissolved or at the least, getting a hole in it to allow more blood flow.
Learning that he had an extensive amount of C02 in his blood. That the only way to fix it would be to wear a bipap machine with a mask that he hated. Hearing the doctors ask if they could put a tube down his throat if it got bad enough.
Being admitted to an ICU room. Having visitors show up to pray for my life partner. Seeing the fear in their eyes. The love in their hearts. The compassion in their souls. Knowing that they would stop and do anything for me if I asked them to.
Restless nights in the hospital. Talking to doctors, nurses, residents, aids, students, family and friends. Trying to keep everyone updated. Trying to remember to eat. Trying to stay in contact with my kids. Trying to be strong for my man.
Finding out the CT scan results of several (too many too count) spinal compression fractures. Things that will never heal. My strong husband will forever be in pain this side of Heaven. He will always be on medication. He will no longer be able to pick me up. Perhaps he won't be able to shoot a large gun or sit in a tree stand. He may never be able to fly again. Or work on trucks with his bare hands.
He will always need a walker or cane. The body brace. The medication. He may one day need a wheelchair. Am I strong enough to push him everywhere?
Will I ever lay in bed next to him again?
Will we be able to go on that family vacation we have always wanted to go on?
Changes need to be made. Are we, am I, capable of making those decisions? Do I call on the help offered by so many? Do I continue to trust God? Am I capable of trusting Him through this all? Will He continue to be there for us through this entire journey like he has been for the beginning of it? Will I burn out my friends on needing their help? Will I burn out? My kids?
How will we afford to live? What needs to be sold? How can we make those decisions? I don't know what to eat most days, how will I be able to know if I should pay one bill and not the other? What I should say yes or no to?
So many questions. Fears. So many answers, so many ways. Too many answers, too many ways.
Tonight, I sleep with questions. Maybe tomorrow I wake up with answers.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
I may lose friends over this, but here it is...
I REALLY don't want to write this post. But I think the God REALLY wants me to because the idea keeps popping in my head- has been for weeks now. Every time I think I've gotten away with not doing it, something always triggers that small yet powerful voice leading me to write.
That voice even used the Golden Girls to talk to me.
How low is that?
I can handle news stories of the Boy Scouts, my kids talking about it, even Soldiers at work discussing it, but the Golden Girls, a 1980's sitcom that makes me laugh more now then it did as a kid? I mean, come on, God, how can you talk to me through classic TV????
Are you all dying to know the topic yet?
Before I get to that, this is what I'm going to do.... tell you my initial thoughts/ questions/ confusions and then I'm going to look some information online and share it with you as I learn more about what God really says. I'm truly hoping for my clarification on this topic because I feel so lost in what God wants from me.
Here it goes...
Gay. Lesbian. Bisexual. Transgender.
Are people born that way? Do they chose that lifestyle? Is it a choice for them to make? What does God think of it all? How do you explain it to kids? When is accepting too much? Is it a sin? Why are people more accepting now? Is it natural? Is the world going to be blown up like Sodom and Gomorrah?
What I was taught growing up is that being LGBT is wrong, sinful, and a disgrace to family. That God, my loving compassionate God, HATES people who are LGBT and that I should not associate with anyone like that. Making fun of LGBT where a lot of people can see wasn't right, but doing so with close family and friends was OK. That people who are "that" way are confused and need Jesus more than anyone else. That AIDS was God's way of punishing people who are gay and purging the world of their sin.
Today, as my faith and ideas and thoughts are now my own, I am way more confused than ever. God says that a man and woman will joined as one and procreate (Ephesians 5:31). God tells us that sin is sin, non is greater than the others (James 2:10). Having sex with a member of the same sex is not what God had in mind when He created us (Genesis 2:18-24). In fact, Leviticus 18:22 says that it is detestable for a man to lie with a man as he does a woman. And Leviticus 20:13 says that when that happens, their blood will be on their own heads. I don't know if that is a literal translation or if it means something different, but either way, it doesn't good. The New Testament also tells us that those who indulge immoral acts will not inherent the Kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6: 9-10). The chapter goes on to talk about sexual immorality. How our bodies are to be used for the glory of God, not for sexual immorality and how that is the only sin that can be done against our own body.
So then, is same sex marriage/ relationships/ with sexual contact fall under that guideline? If so, then why do churches perform same sex marriages? The United Church of Christ, Jewish Synagogues, Quakers (depending on meetinghouse), Metropolitan Community Church, and Unitarian Universalist allow full same sex marriages. Some Episcopal priests are allowed to bless the marriage, but not sign the marriage licence while others are allowed to do the full ceremony, as well as can Lutheran pastors. Most Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and Presbyterian churches still do not allow same sex marriages (http://gayweddinginstitute.com/_blog/Gay_Weddings_are_Good_for_Business/post/Which_Churches_Allow_Gay_Marriage/) and (http://www.pewforum.org/gay-marriage-and-homosexuality/religious-groups-official-positions-on-same-sex-marriage.aspx).
The churches who do not perform/ endorse gay marriages do so because they believe God's definition of marriage is between one man and one woman. Those that do endorse gay marriages do so because they feel it is yet another way that God's love can be shown to member's of the congregation. The United Church of Christ posted this on their website,
"EQUAL MARRIAGE RIGHTS FOR ALL
[Adopted at the Twenty-fifth General Synod on July 4, 2005]
WHEREAS the Bible affirms and celebrates human expressions of love and partnership, calling
us to live out fully that gift of God in responsible, faithful, committed relationships that
recognize and respect the image of God in all people; and
WHEREAS the life and example of Jesus of Nazareth provides a model of radically inclusive
love and abundant welcome for all; and
WHEREAS we proclaim ourselves to be listening to the voice of a Still Speaking God at that at
all times in human history there is always yet more light and truth to break forth from
God’s holy word; and
WHEREAS legislation to ban recognition of same-gender marriages further undermine the civil
liberties of gay and lesbian couples and contributes to a climate of misunderstanding and
polarization, increasing hostility against gays and lesbians; and
LET IT BE FURTHER RESOLVED, that the Twenty-fifth General Synod calls for an end to
rhetoric that fuels hostility, misunderstanding, fear and hatred expressed toward gay,
lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons; and ..."
I omitted some things because these were the ones I found most interesting. No where in this notice are there Bible verses to back up any of the statements. Jesus was a radical person back in the day. The UCC uses the fact that Jesus accepted everyone as a reason to allow gay marriages. I do believe that God still speaks to us (duh... re-read the first part of this post if you don't believe me), but I'm not sure I believe that His message has changed. The last two statements about misunderstanding I can agree with, however, there is no Biblical basis for them and it is one thing understand and accept a person for who they are, it is entirely different to condone and enforce their sinful nature.
Which brings me to my next point.
God is Love.
He loves us. John 3:16 is the infamous verse as to how much God loves us.
He doesn't want to see us in Hell suffering for eternity for our sins, that is why He sent Jesus.
So we can live to love Him.
Luke 10:27 tells us to love God above all else with all of our heart and soul and mind and then love our neighbor as ourselves.
Here's a quick trip down memory lane for everyone....
In the summers I worked at then Anchor Point Camp as a teenager. Those were some of the best times in my life. To this day, I find myself singing a song that we sang back then...
"Love. The. Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind and love all mankind as you would love yourself and
Looooove, the Lord your Gooooood. With all you heaaaaaart. and your soul and mind and love all mankind.
We've got, Christian lives to live. We've got, Jesus love to give. We've got, nothing to hide so in Him we will abide. LOVE."
Such a great song with a great way to remember what God tells us to do. And that is to simply LOVE.
If God is truly love, then why do some Christians not accepts and love those within the LGBT communities?
That is my biggest dilemma.
I feel that the Bible is God's Word and is very true and relevant to my life.
I feel that what it says about marriage and sexual immorality is what I should hold onto for truth. That marriage, as God defines it, should be between a man and a woman.
I do not think that a church who bases themselves on the beliefs of the Bible should conduct same sex marriages based on my previous statement.
However dot dot dot
I do not think that God calls us to alienate those who are gay. Jesus befriended those who were not popular. He reached out to the evil tax collectors, prostitutes, desolate people of his time.
This is why I feel that groups such as they Boy Scouts, should allow leaders and boys who are openly gay to be a part of their organization. They allow leaders who are not married but are in a physical relationship with a member of the opposite sex. The Boy Scouts is an organization to help build character and morals for the boys within the program. It teaches them valuable life skills on survival and leadership. Can't they learn those things from people who are gay? Shouldn't a transgender boy be allowed those same opportunities? Who are we to say that because he is different in his heart that we should treat him different than a "normal" boy through exclusion?
I don't want the Boy Scouts to change what they stand for, but I do want them to accept everyone as they should after all-
A Boy Scout is:
Trustworthy.
Loyal.
Helpful.
Friendly.
Courteous.
Kind.
Obedient.
Cheerful.
Thrifty.
Brave.
Clean.
Reverent.
A Boy Scout is not biased, judgmental, or a bully.
There it is. My post.
I think I've cleared a few things up for myself. I really don't know if a person is born gay or transgender. Some of the things I read through college and the internet and see on TV tells me they could be. Others tell me it is a choice. Maybe it is both.
What I do know is that it is not up for me to know that information. God knows and that is enough for me.
My job as a Christian and a mom who wants to raise her two beautiful full of questions children, is to read God' word. Trust in what God tells us. To have faith, love and hope (1 Corinthians 13:13). To know that God made each of us different and that we should accept those differences in LOVE.
That voice even used the Golden Girls to talk to me.
How low is that?
I can handle news stories of the Boy Scouts, my kids talking about it, even Soldiers at work discussing it, but the Golden Girls, a 1980's sitcom that makes me laugh more now then it did as a kid? I mean, come on, God, how can you talk to me through classic TV????
Are you all dying to know the topic yet?
Before I get to that, this is what I'm going to do.... tell you my initial thoughts/ questions/ confusions and then I'm going to look some information online and share it with you as I learn more about what God really says. I'm truly hoping for my clarification on this topic because I feel so lost in what God wants from me.
Here it goes...
Gay. Lesbian. Bisexual. Transgender.
Are people born that way? Do they chose that lifestyle? Is it a choice for them to make? What does God think of it all? How do you explain it to kids? When is accepting too much? Is it a sin? Why are people more accepting now? Is it natural? Is the world going to be blown up like Sodom and Gomorrah?
What I was taught growing up is that being LGBT is wrong, sinful, and a disgrace to family. That God, my loving compassionate God, HATES people who are LGBT and that I should not associate with anyone like that. Making fun of LGBT where a lot of people can see wasn't right, but doing so with close family and friends was OK. That people who are "that" way are confused and need Jesus more than anyone else. That AIDS was God's way of punishing people who are gay and purging the world of their sin.
Today, as my faith and ideas and thoughts are now my own, I am way more confused than ever. God says that a man and woman will joined as one and procreate (Ephesians 5:31). God tells us that sin is sin, non is greater than the others (James 2:10). Having sex with a member of the same sex is not what God had in mind when He created us (Genesis 2:18-24). In fact, Leviticus 18:22 says that it is detestable for a man to lie with a man as he does a woman. And Leviticus 20:13 says that when that happens, their blood will be on their own heads. I don't know if that is a literal translation or if it means something different, but either way, it doesn't good. The New Testament also tells us that those who indulge immoral acts will not inherent the Kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6: 9-10). The chapter goes on to talk about sexual immorality. How our bodies are to be used for the glory of God, not for sexual immorality and how that is the only sin that can be done against our own body.
So then, is same sex marriage/ relationships/ with sexual contact fall under that guideline? If so, then why do churches perform same sex marriages? The United Church of Christ, Jewish Synagogues, Quakers (depending on meetinghouse), Metropolitan Community Church, and Unitarian Universalist allow full same sex marriages. Some Episcopal priests are allowed to bless the marriage, but not sign the marriage licence while others are allowed to do the full ceremony, as well as can Lutheran pastors. Most Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and Presbyterian churches still do not allow same sex marriages (http://gayweddinginstitute.com/_blog/Gay_Weddings_are_Good_for_Business/post/Which_Churches_Allow_Gay_Marriage/) and (http://www.pewforum.org/gay-marriage-and-homosexuality/religious-groups-official-positions-on-same-sex-marriage.aspx).
The churches who do not perform/ endorse gay marriages do so because they believe God's definition of marriage is between one man and one woman. Those that do endorse gay marriages do so because they feel it is yet another way that God's love can be shown to member's of the congregation. The United Church of Christ posted this on their website,
"EQUAL MARRIAGE RIGHTS FOR ALL
[Adopted at the Twenty-fifth General Synod on July 4, 2005]
WHEREAS the Bible affirms and celebrates human expressions of love and partnership, calling
us to live out fully that gift of God in responsible, faithful, committed relationships that
recognize and respect the image of God in all people; and
WHEREAS the life and example of Jesus of Nazareth provides a model of radically inclusive
love and abundant welcome for all; and
WHEREAS we proclaim ourselves to be listening to the voice of a Still Speaking God at that at
all times in human history there is always yet more light and truth to break forth from
God’s holy word; and
WHEREAS legislation to ban recognition of same-gender marriages further undermine the civil
liberties of gay and lesbian couples and contributes to a climate of misunderstanding and
polarization, increasing hostility against gays and lesbians; and
LET IT BE FURTHER RESOLVED, that the Twenty-fifth General Synod calls for an end to
rhetoric that fuels hostility, misunderstanding, fear and hatred expressed toward gay,
lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons; and ..."
I omitted some things because these were the ones I found most interesting. No where in this notice are there Bible verses to back up any of the statements. Jesus was a radical person back in the day. The UCC uses the fact that Jesus accepted everyone as a reason to allow gay marriages. I do believe that God still speaks to us (duh... re-read the first part of this post if you don't believe me), but I'm not sure I believe that His message has changed. The last two statements about misunderstanding I can agree with, however, there is no Biblical basis for them and it is one thing understand and accept a person for who they are, it is entirely different to condone and enforce their sinful nature.
Which brings me to my next point.
God is Love.
He loves us. John 3:16 is the infamous verse as to how much God loves us.
He doesn't want to see us in Hell suffering for eternity for our sins, that is why He sent Jesus.
So we can live to love Him.
Luke 10:27 tells us to love God above all else with all of our heart and soul and mind and then love our neighbor as ourselves.
Here's a quick trip down memory lane for everyone....
In the summers I worked at then Anchor Point Camp as a teenager. Those were some of the best times in my life. To this day, I find myself singing a song that we sang back then...
"Love. The. Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind and love all mankind as you would love yourself and
Looooove, the Lord your Gooooood. With all you heaaaaaart. and your soul and mind and love all mankind.
We've got, Christian lives to live. We've got, Jesus love to give. We've got, nothing to hide so in Him we will abide. LOVE."
Such a great song with a great way to remember what God tells us to do. And that is to simply LOVE.
If God is truly love, then why do some Christians not accepts and love those within the LGBT communities?
That is my biggest dilemma.
I feel that the Bible is God's Word and is very true and relevant to my life.
I feel that what it says about marriage and sexual immorality is what I should hold onto for truth. That marriage, as God defines it, should be between a man and a woman.
I do not think that a church who bases themselves on the beliefs of the Bible should conduct same sex marriages based on my previous statement.
However dot dot dot
I do not think that God calls us to alienate those who are gay. Jesus befriended those who were not popular. He reached out to the evil tax collectors, prostitutes, desolate people of his time.
This is why I feel that groups such as they Boy Scouts, should allow leaders and boys who are openly gay to be a part of their organization. They allow leaders who are not married but are in a physical relationship with a member of the opposite sex. The Boy Scouts is an organization to help build character and morals for the boys within the program. It teaches them valuable life skills on survival and leadership. Can't they learn those things from people who are gay? Shouldn't a transgender boy be allowed those same opportunities? Who are we to say that because he is different in his heart that we should treat him different than a "normal" boy through exclusion?
I don't want the Boy Scouts to change what they stand for, but I do want them to accept everyone as they should after all-
A Boy Scout is:
Trustworthy.
Loyal.
Helpful.
Friendly.
Courteous.
Kind.
Obedient.
Cheerful.
Thrifty.
Brave.
Clean.
Reverent.
A Boy Scout is not biased, judgmental, or a bully.
There it is. My post.
I think I've cleared a few things up for myself. I really don't know if a person is born gay or transgender. Some of the things I read through college and the internet and see on TV tells me they could be. Others tell me it is a choice. Maybe it is both.
What I do know is that it is not up for me to know that information. God knows and that is enough for me.
My job as a Christian and a mom who wants to raise her two beautiful full of questions children, is to read God' word. Trust in what God tells us. To have faith, love and hope (1 Corinthians 13:13). To know that God made each of us different and that we should accept those differences in LOVE.
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