Two months in!

This was our last family picture taken so far.
It is not our last.
Look into our eyes and you can see the grief.
The fear.
Sadness.
Two days before this was taken is when we heard the "c" word for our family.
There was know way of knowing what the following two months would bring.
In these two months, we have have felt God's love showered upon us in ways we will never understand this side of Heaven.
The thing is, we would never have felt it if it were not for all of you reading these words.
Your prayers of encouragement and support have kept us going every single day. Kept us living every day even when we may not know how we are going to continue.  Because of you, we do continue.

So many angels in human bodies busted their rear end for us this past Saturday to feed breakfast to family and strangers alike.  How is that around 350 people showed up for us?  To support us?
In our minds, we are no one special.  We are your everyday American family trying to do better for our kids in the circumstances that we are in.  Our mistakes are abundant.  But our love is great and each day is new and fresh with possibilities.

Throughout Psalms, David praises God.  Psalms 145: 2 I'll bless you EVERYDAY, and keep it up from now to eternity.  3b There are no boundaries to his greatness.  6a Your marvelous doings are headline news.  8 God is all mercy and grace- not quick to anger, is rich in love.  9 God is good to one and all; everything he does is suffused (over spread) with grace.  14 God gives a hand to those down on their luck, gives a fresh start to those ready to quit. 17 Everything God does is right- the trademark on all his works is love.  18 God's there, listening for all who pray, for all who pray and mean it.

This has been the last two months for our family.  God has shown up ways I could have never fathomed (human imagination and all).  He is allowing us to be taken care of and loved on so abundantly.

For this next week, we will be away.  Regrouping as a family before school starts. Before stem cell transplant appointments begin.  While we are as close to "normal" as we can be this side of diagnosis.  Please pray for us to have a very safe trip.  That Ted listens to his body (and his wife) when it is time to rest.  For traffic to be minimal.  That siblings show love and grace rather than rivalry and arguments.  And finally, that loving memories with lots of pictures are brought home.

How I am doing it

Over the last few weeks, I have been asked the same basic set of questions:

How am I doing?

How am I doing it?

They look the same, but really are quite different.

My answers vary from day to day for the first question:

I'm here.      Alright.        Okay.      Holding up.       Surviving.      Been better.         Hanging in there.       Pretty good all things considered.      Do you want the truth or what is easier to hear?           And if I really want them to scratch their head's, I'll answer with Dave Ramsey's "Better than I deserve."

The second question is ALWAYS the same answer:

I have no idea other than God.

If left to my own accord, I would be buying bottles of really expensive Irish whiskey, throwing a baby nipple on the bottle and lying in the fetal position sucking away until the world around me disappeared.

God has different plans for me, though.  He wants me to take care of my husband.  For better or worse, in sickness and health.  I didn't realize that the worse and sickness would go together, but they are here, and I am not going anywhere.  

Do I think this entire situation sucks big time?  Absolutely.  Is it fair?  Nope, not one bit.  Life isn't promised to be fair, though. 

This morning's devotions and Bible verse fit crazy good with each other and my current situation.

Both are from Psalms:

5:11-12 "But let all take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy.  Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.  Surely, Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield."

28:7 "The Lord in my strength and shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me"

How am I doing this?

That is how.  It's not me.  It is God.  100%.  Every second of every day I see Him working in our lives.  I can question everything until I am wordless about the things I don't understand (there are so many), but then I would be useless to my wonderful husband and kids.  God doesn't want that from me.  He wants me to lean on him in this, to rely on his strength and allow him to be in charge.  To be my shield. 

My prayer for you who are struggling to understand and make sense of this terrible situation is that your hearts can be opened to see God working.  It is my true belief that God is not in this cancer, but he is in our hearts and our lives driving us to keep going.  I see him in our friends and family who have surrounded us with love, support and prayers.  Those prayers are felt every single second of every day.  Those are what keep me going.  Thank you.