I don't know

Over the last seven weeks, many people have asked how they can help us.  What specifics we may need.

My answer is almost always the same... "I don't know" because the truth can shock the hell out of some people and it leaves us wide open for judgement.

"I don't know" is a very true answer.  I have worries.  So many of them.  I don't know how to handle them, how to solve them, or where to really begin.  

A few of you wanted to know some of the specifics of them, so I thought I would tear down a few walls and let you into my very active, very human, very anxiety filled mind.

Messy.

Our lives are messy.  Before cancer, and especially now after.

Ted and I have kept ourselves pretty busy with the kids and animals and general hobby farm work.  Our house is never spotless, and that was okay because we live here and have been enjoying it.  Having three dogs adds a lot to our plate, especially when one of them has ADD when outside and comes inside to do her business.  On average, when I see it, it take me 45 min a day to clean up after her and the other beagle, Todd (if one can do it why not the other?)  Almost every morning I get to spend 30 to 45 min cleaning up after the dogs, even when I let them out at night and first thing in the morning.  It is so frustrating for me.  I could leave them in the sun room at night, but they spend the day there, and is that fair to them?  We were honestly thinking of putting them down.  It can't be ethical to drop dogs off at the pound that are like that, and their age (almost 9)... who would adopt them together?  They should stay together, right?  They have kids together.  They have been with each other for 8 years.  What are we to do with them?  Keeping them outside isn't an option... they bark way to much and our neighbors and Ted would not like that at all.  Thankfully, a friend from work is stepping up and taking them both (found this out today).  We will miss them so much, but I know they will be loved on daily and also that we can go to visit them whenever we want to.  

Our floors in the house need a lot of help thanks to the dogs and kids (and a rabbit and cat).  The rabbit is now outside, but the cat keeps coming in.  She is my baby and I really will miss her cuddles and kisses and a piece of me will die when she does.  But she (Nala) doesn't like her litter box.  So in an attempt to get the floors clean for Ted, Nala has to get outside and stay outside.  I may need someone to come and get her, as she has always been a house cat, my cat and I'm not sure how I can handle losing more animals.  But they are animals and not nearly as important as my hubby.

Today, Ted was laid off from his job because he is a liability to them if he gets hurt.  They were hoping that he could claim unemployment but we need to make a few phone calls to see if that is possible or not with being unemployable and the social security disability application in process.

That means that as of right now, we are a single income family.  I bring home less than $2,000 a month.  Our mortgage payment is $1680 a month.  We cannot survive on what I make no matter where we live.  Now, through into the mix the two vehicle payments, insurance, the credit cards that I was working hard on paying off, cell phone bill, and television on top of food, gas, and electric... there is no way we can pay it all, not even half.  If you follow Dave Ramsey, he says to keep paying on the essentials such has home and vehicles.  My pay won't cover those.  

Doesn't Ted get VA and SSI?

Not yet.  SSI should kick-in in six months.  Yup, it will take them that long to have the application fast tracked.  Then guess what?  It takes 24 months for Medicare to kick in!  Two entire years!  What the hell are we to do in the mean time?  Ted has to have treatment?  He has to see a doctor.  Thankfully, for three more months, he has insurance.  Then what?  Is my husband gonna die that much sooner because of our government and their effing policies? 

VA?  He was denied medical insurance through the VA.  Made too much money last year.  They don't look into your current situation, just your tax returns from the prior year.  Seems legit to me.  We are working on a disability claim through the VA.  If that gets approved, then hopefully we can continue with the current cancer center and not have to go through the VA doctors as they honestly frighten me.  I don't want him to get lost in the system and not be getting the best possible care there is.

I do not know what to do.  I think I need a bankruptcy lawyer.  If you know of a good one that has their clients in their best interest, let me know.  Sooner rather than later.  We need guidance as to how to proceed.

Then there are our kids.  They still need to participate in activities for school, scouts, robotics, and 4H/ equestrian team.  Those things have taught them so much about life and I really don't want to take them away.   Will I need to choose medication or an activity?  I hope not.

Ted and I adore our home. We have been able to open it up to so many people in need and meet some great teenagers from across the world.  Will we need to move?  Should we stop making house payments and get foreclosed on?  Should we have a big old work party, pack up everything we have and try to sell?  Do we sell everything we have inside the house and barn knowing that the very little we do have of value that we were going to pass down to the kids will get the most money?  I really don't know.

I don't know so many things right now.

I do, however, know that we are loved by so many people.  That God is surrounding us with such a peace that it can only be from him.  I know that if we lose everything that can be bought, we will never lose our hope.  Hope that tomorrow we wake up to give praise.  Hope that guidance will be given.  Hope that our kids are getting the support they need to get through this.  I have hope that God isn't done writing our story.