Remember Hope

 It doesn't make sense.  Not on paper.  Not when you look at our lives separate from each other. 

Yet...

David defeated the giant and saved his city.  Tiny, young David took out the largest man using a slingshot and a stone.

It shouldn't have worked, but it did.

Sara and Abraham were way past childbearing years, yet they had a son whose descendants were more than the stars in the sky.  

It shouldn't have worked, but it did. 

God takes the impossible and makes it possible. 

In all things.

In all ways. 

Whether we understand it or not, He does.  That is all we need to know.

These last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions.  Fear, excitement, doubt, nervousness, trepidation, hope, and peace.

Why? Because of a man. A man who doesn't make sense on paper.

He is silver-haired, I'm just starting to get there.

He is suburbs, and I am country.

He is laughter, I am tears.

He is artsy, I am not.

He is a singer, I am a hummer.

He has struggles, where I have strength.

He has strength, where I have struggles.

He knows loss, I know loss.

He loves Jesus with all that he is, I love Jesus with my entire life.

He forgot how to dream, I reminded him.

He treats me like his queen, I treat him like my king.

Are you ready to throw up yet?  We are fricking cute together. I feel so much peace with him.  I feel like I'm home in his arms. Like there really is hope out there for an unlikely pair such as ourselves.

Hope.

Wesley, that's his name, and I went away to Ohio to visit the Ohio State Reformatory where Shawshank Redemption was filmed.  The night before, we watched the movie. I hadn't seen it since I held a vigil on my bed with Ted while he was passing away.  You see, that was his favorite movie. 

One thing that I never picked up before was how Andy Dufrain brought hope to so many men.  Andy was a banker, imprisoned erroneously for a double murder, and made the best out of a terrible situation by helping the guards with their taxes, and fellow inmates through a library. But it was more than that, Andy loved people where they were.  He never complained or retaliated when he was targeted.  He kept on living the best life he could.  

In a conversation between Andy and Red, Andy told Red:

"Fear can hold you, prisoner.

Hope can set you free."

In a letter Andy wrote to Red, he said, 

"Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

Hope. 

How weird for those two scenes to stand out to me now when I am in a new place in life.

Hope.

Wes and I don't make sense to the world. 

Yet.

We have hope.

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."  Romans 5:3-5

Neither Wesley nor myself were looking for each other, yet God brought us together, I think, because of our differences. 

Perhaps we are to help others to remember hope.

New Year New Hope

 Why does the first of the year help me to focus more on my mental health than any other time of the year?

Perhaps it's because it's so new?

Maybe because everyone else is doing it, so we're all in it together?

Or it's when books, fitness items, and other mental health boosters go on sale make it more affordable for us frugal folk. 

What ever is the reason, I'm glad that I have been able to take a long pause from all the distractions that tend to mask my depression and simply be.

Be in the moment.

Be in tomorrow.

Be in God's presence. 

Be now.

That last one is the most difficult for this overtly stubborn woman.  My mind often floats back toward the past, of a life that could have been. Should have been.  But is not.

It's dangerous to dwell there. 

Before I know it, I get stuck, unable to crawl out of the deep hole of the past.  It's like unwanted weight.  The more I fester and fret, the more I eat. Then before I know it, I have five, ten, fifteen added pounds on me that I just can't seem to shake.

Depression takes all of the bad for me thoughts and feelings and throws them on my midline, where I struggle so greatly.  

The new year is an opening to leave all of that in the past so I am not weighed down.

I am free to stop.

To enjoy moments of dog snuggling in the morning.

And filly snuggling in the afternoon.

It's a time for me to be able to breathe in deeply all the possibilities that hope brings with her and let out all the fear and sorrow of yesterday.

Without hope, I wouldn't have had moments like today.  The first day in years that the sun has shown. (Okay, maybe not years, but it sure feels like that, doesn't it?).

After working over by 45 minutes today, a day where I wanted to badly to go work with the horses, and enjoy all of the vitamin D that God was blessing us with, I could have been upset for working longer than I wanted to.

I could have said, screw it, and stay inside to pout.

Instead, I peaked out the window and noticed that Indy was laying down.  I snuck out the door and twisted my body through the electric tape so not to jingle the gate and wake her up. Independence sat up, allowed me to sit down by her head, then she promptly laid her sweet little head in my lap.  

Together, we sat, with Zoey nosing in on us, for only about 10 minutes. Ten wonderful, glorious minutes of being in the moment.  Enjoying every second of such a sweet, sweet blessing to me.  One that I honestly could have never imagined having.

But God did.

He knew that I needed that moment at that very second in my life. I am so thankful for new beginnings.  New years.  New months.  New weeks.  New days. New moments.

I'm not sure what you are holding onto that is weighing you down.

God does. 

He knows.

My prayer is that you are able to give it to him.  All the pain.  All the sorrow.  All the regrets.  All the fear.

His arms are so much bigger than we could ever fathom.  He is waiting to not only catch the crap that is weighing you down but to embrace you in hugs larger than you ever thought possible.

Give him that opportunity and then wait. It may feel like a lifetime now, but I promise, when you are truly ready, God will start lifting away all of the unwantedness in your life that separates you from him.

And then you will be free.

Free to walk.  To run. To fly.

Into the life God wants you to be in.

Damn Imagination

 Fun Mary Fact:

I have a very vivid imagination.  The wild stories my mind comes up with often make me wonder why I'm not writing fiction.  Maybe, one day, I will explore that avenue more.

Imaginations can be fun. It helps us to think outside of the box and problem solve some crazy things. Things like electricity, flying to outer space, the wheel, turning plants into clothing, grinding beans into coffee, heck, the computer I'm typing on, and basically everything we see and use in our daily lives is here because someone imagined it.  

How flipping cool is that?  Seriously.  Have you ever thought about it like that before?

Imaginations are such a wonderful thing to have.

Until they are not.

What do you mean, an imagination can be not so good, Mary?

When your imagination turns into expectation.

Read that again.

Imagination is not good when it turns into expectation.

When I was a little girl, I would imagine lots of snow on Christmas morning (heck, I still do).  How many times December 25ths have I opened my eyes, rushed to the window to see nothing but mud and became so sad that it took the magic away from the rest of the day?

When I joined the Army, I imagined that I would rock out basic training and be the best of the best in the company in everything (yup, I was so naive). When I got there and realized I am but a slug and would need to actually try my darndest, I was so disappointed in myself for setting myself up for failure. This disappointment caused me to not want to try for a time period. I mean, I'll just be a failure anyways, so what's the point?

When a young Mary married a young Ted, I imagined (and we both fully expected) that once the kids were grown, we would travel the world together and then spend many evenings on the back porch in our rocking chairs watching our grandkids play. Ted would have made such a great grandpa. When the terminal cancer diagnosis came, our expectations were crushed. That is the moment we both began to grieve our dreams, our lives together, and one another.

What happens when our imagination isn't all that good?

Like when I was gearing up to deploy in 2003 to Iraq and got a tattoo symbolizing the love of God and Country just in case I died over there. I imagined my death and expected it to the point that I was pushing Ted away from me so he wouldn't hurt so bad when that happened. I fully expected that he would meet someone else and fall in love with them while I was deployed. That my kids would not remember me. It made me so bitter and unpleasant.  I hated who I was becoming yet I couldn't stop it because my imagination turned into full on expectation of total marriage failure.

Or all the nights I lay awake imagining all the ways I am going to lose my house because a lack of money frightens me and how dare I go back to college for my dream because I have a great job and it pays decent and I could just get a 2nd job and be better off financially. Who cares if I follow my dreams, right? It's only my dreams and it won't make a difference in anyone else's life anyways so what is the point? And then I let that turn into expecting myself to fail miserably at school and realizing that I really don't want to do any of it, so it was truly a waste of time, money and energy, as well as disappointing those couple of people who are excited for me.

How about falling in love?  I have imagined falling in a deeper love than I ever thought possible, like I had with Ted. Trusting, caring, sharing in my life and theirs. Growing together through life and loving every minute of it until he gets sick. Has cancer or another incurable disease and I have to watch him suffer while we both slowly die. How much more can I die and still be alive? And so, I have pushed people away who get close. Walls have been built to protect me. It's just easier to not let them into my madness because once they see it, they won't want to be a part of it anyways. So why set us up for the inevitable hurt? 

When I allow my imagination to turn into expectation, it simply paralyzes me from living the life I was meant to live.

How about you?  

I'd like to say I have figured it all out.  For a lot of it, I have. 

I have learned to see when my imagination is turning into an expectation for both good things and bad.  And I try to stop it. Fast.

If I don't, it builds upon itself. Adding up so much that it doesn't know when to stop growing and I can no longer tell the difference between what is real and what is in my head.  

Am I making up terrible situations because they are really going to happen or to protect me from wonderful things that could potentially happen?

That fear of failure, of disappointment, of hope and of dreams is NOT what God had intended for us when he gave us the gift of imagination.

The Bible tells us to "set our minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth" Colossians 3:2

Philippians 4:8 "whatever true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

"Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered." Proverbs 28:26

Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control" 2 Timothy 1:7

I could spend all day typing out verses for us to read and remember that God did not design us to be full of fear, but rather full of hope and joy even through the terrible circumstances that come our way. 

My prayer for us all is that the next time we find ourselves imaging something wonderful or something terrible, that we don't turn those thoughts into expectations.  Rather, lets focus on the moment, on what is in front of us right now, at that very second.  

Let us ask ourselves:

what does God want to teach me? 

How can I be more present?

Is this situation something I can control?

 Like snow on Christmas morning or a cancer diagnosis? I can't control those things, but I can choose to be thankful for another day. I can choose to see the magic and hope in a new day and celebrate that.

Can you?

 

I don't know

Over the last seven weeks, many people have asked how they can help us.  What specifics we may need.

My answer is almost always the same... "I don't know" because the truth can shock the hell out of some people and it leaves us wide open for judgement.

"I don't know" is a very true answer.  I have worries.  So many of them.  I don't know how to handle them, how to solve them, or where to really begin.  

A few of you wanted to know some of the specifics of them, so I thought I would tear down a few walls and let you into my very active, very human, very anxiety filled mind.

Messy.

Our lives are messy.  Before cancer, and especially now after.

Ted and I have kept ourselves pretty busy with the kids and animals and general hobby farm work.  Our house is never spotless, and that was okay because we live here and have been enjoying it.  Having three dogs adds a lot to our plate, especially when one of them has ADD when outside and comes inside to do her business.  On average, when I see it, it take me 45 min a day to clean up after her and the other beagle, Todd (if one can do it why not the other?)  Almost every morning I get to spend 30 to 45 min cleaning up after the dogs, even when I let them out at night and first thing in the morning.  It is so frustrating for me.  I could leave them in the sun room at night, but they spend the day there, and is that fair to them?  We were honestly thinking of putting them down.  It can't be ethical to drop dogs off at the pound that are like that, and their age (almost 9)... who would adopt them together?  They should stay together, right?  They have kids together.  They have been with each other for 8 years.  What are we to do with them?  Keeping them outside isn't an option... they bark way to much and our neighbors and Ted would not like that at all.  Thankfully, a friend from work is stepping up and taking them both (found this out today).  We will miss them so much, but I know they will be loved on daily and also that we can go to visit them whenever we want to.  

Our floors in the house need a lot of help thanks to the dogs and kids (and a rabbit and cat).  The rabbit is now outside, but the cat keeps coming in.  She is my baby and I really will miss her cuddles and kisses and a piece of me will die when she does.  But she (Nala) doesn't like her litter box.  So in an attempt to get the floors clean for Ted, Nala has to get outside and stay outside.  I may need someone to come and get her, as she has always been a house cat, my cat and I'm not sure how I can handle losing more animals.  But they are animals and not nearly as important as my hubby.

Today, Ted was laid off from his job because he is a liability to them if he gets hurt.  They were hoping that he could claim unemployment but we need to make a few phone calls to see if that is possible or not with being unemployable and the social security disability application in process.

That means that as of right now, we are a single income family.  I bring home less than $2,000 a month.  Our mortgage payment is $1680 a month.  We cannot survive on what I make no matter where we live.  Now, through into the mix the two vehicle payments, insurance, the credit cards that I was working hard on paying off, cell phone bill, and television on top of food, gas, and electric... there is no way we can pay it all, not even half.  If you follow Dave Ramsey, he says to keep paying on the essentials such has home and vehicles.  My pay won't cover those.  

Doesn't Ted get VA and SSI?

Not yet.  SSI should kick-in in six months.  Yup, it will take them that long to have the application fast tracked.  Then guess what?  It takes 24 months for Medicare to kick in!  Two entire years!  What the hell are we to do in the mean time?  Ted has to have treatment?  He has to see a doctor.  Thankfully, for three more months, he has insurance.  Then what?  Is my husband gonna die that much sooner because of our government and their effing policies? 

VA?  He was denied medical insurance through the VA.  Made too much money last year.  They don't look into your current situation, just your tax returns from the prior year.  Seems legit to me.  We are working on a disability claim through the VA.  If that gets approved, then hopefully we can continue with the current cancer center and not have to go through the VA doctors as they honestly frighten me.  I don't want him to get lost in the system and not be getting the best possible care there is.

I do not know what to do.  I think I need a bankruptcy lawyer.  If you know of a good one that has their clients in their best interest, let me know.  Sooner rather than later.  We need guidance as to how to proceed.

Then there are our kids.  They still need to participate in activities for school, scouts, robotics, and 4H/ equestrian team.  Those things have taught them so much about life and I really don't want to take them away.   Will I need to choose medication or an activity?  I hope not.

Ted and I adore our home. We have been able to open it up to so many people in need and meet some great teenagers from across the world.  Will we need to move?  Should we stop making house payments and get foreclosed on?  Should we have a big old work party, pack up everything we have and try to sell?  Do we sell everything we have inside the house and barn knowing that the very little we do have of value that we were going to pass down to the kids will get the most money?  I really don't know.

I don't know so many things right now.

I do, however, know that we are loved by so many people.  That God is surrounding us with such a peace that it can only be from him.  I know that if we lose everything that can be bought, we will never lose our hope.  Hope that tomorrow we wake up to give praise.  Hope that guidance will be given.  Hope that our kids are getting the support they need to get through this.  I have hope that God isn't done writing our story.  

Praising God in All Things

GUYS!!!  I can't make this up!!!  Look at the date!  June 13th, today.  This was my devotion for today.

God knows what is going on.

Yes, there is a 99.8% chance my husband of 17 years, the father of our two children, has multiple myeloma.

In all circumstances praise God.

An incurable, but treatable cancer of his plasma cells.

Whatever the circumstances.

His bones are porous, not dense like they should be.

We CAN find contentment.

He has a tumor that without it, we may not have known about the cancer.

God WILL walk us through this.

At times, I think I am simply going through the motions, completely emotionless.  But I know that isn't true.

Fear.  Anxiety.  Anger.  Sadness.  Confusion.  Overwhelmed.

I feel those.

But I also feel more.

Grateful.  Thankful.  Loved.  Supported.  Hope.  Contentment.

One thing I have learned already is to allow others to bless us.  This is so difficult to do as we are fairly prideful people, but I know that God is using you all in special ways in our lives.

Family and friends have gone above and beyond in their prayers for our family.  People are stepping and providing food for us and taking care of food for other responsibilities we had.  An unexpected bonus from Ted's work was given.  Friend's offered to pay for Alyssa's equestrian team sign up and offered to trailer her horse to practice so we don't have that stress.  Another offered to purchase a hospital bed to help Ted sleep more comfortably.

You are all angels.

Peace surrounds me because of your love and prayers.  I can never truly thank you enough.

I know that our journey has taken a direction we never thought would happen to us but because of you all and the mercy and grace of God, we will get through this.

We will fight this.

Ted will survive.