New Year New Hope

 Why does the first of the year help me to focus more on my mental health than any other time of the year?

Perhaps it's because it's so new?

Maybe because everyone else is doing it, so we're all in it together?

Or it's when books, fitness items, and other mental health boosters go on sale make it more affordable for us frugal folk. 

What ever is the reason, I'm glad that I have been able to take a long pause from all the distractions that tend to mask my depression and simply be.

Be in the moment.

Be in tomorrow.

Be in God's presence. 

Be now.

That last one is the most difficult for this overtly stubborn woman.  My mind often floats back toward the past, of a life that could have been. Should have been.  But is not.

It's dangerous to dwell there. 

Before I know it, I get stuck, unable to crawl out of the deep hole of the past.  It's like unwanted weight.  The more I fester and fret, the more I eat. Then before I know it, I have five, ten, fifteen added pounds on me that I just can't seem to shake.

Depression takes all of the bad for me thoughts and feelings and throws them on my midline, where I struggle so greatly.  

The new year is an opening to leave all of that in the past so I am not weighed down.

I am free to stop.

To enjoy moments of dog snuggling in the morning.

And filly snuggling in the afternoon.

It's a time for me to be able to breathe in deeply all the possibilities that hope brings with her and let out all the fear and sorrow of yesterday.

Without hope, I wouldn't have had moments like today.  The first day in years that the sun has shown. (Okay, maybe not years, but it sure feels like that, doesn't it?).

After working over by 45 minutes today, a day where I wanted to badly to go work with the horses, and enjoy all of the vitamin D that God was blessing us with, I could have been upset for working longer than I wanted to.

I could have said, screw it, and stay inside to pout.

Instead, I peaked out the window and noticed that Indy was laying down.  I snuck out the door and twisted my body through the electric tape so not to jingle the gate and wake her up. Independence sat up, allowed me to sit down by her head, then she promptly laid her sweet little head in my lap.  

Together, we sat, with Zoey nosing in on us, for only about 10 minutes. Ten wonderful, glorious minutes of being in the moment.  Enjoying every second of such a sweet, sweet blessing to me.  One that I honestly could have never imagined having.

But God did.

He knew that I needed that moment at that very second in my life. I am so thankful for new beginnings.  New years.  New months.  New weeks.  New days. New moments.

I'm not sure what you are holding onto that is weighing you down.

God does. 

He knows.

My prayer is that you are able to give it to him.  All the pain.  All the sorrow.  All the regrets.  All the fear.

His arms are so much bigger than we could ever fathom.  He is waiting to not only catch the crap that is weighing you down but to embrace you in hugs larger than you ever thought possible.

Give him that opportunity and then wait. It may feel like a lifetime now, but I promise, when you are truly ready, God will start lifting away all of the unwantedness in your life that separates you from him.

And then you will be free.

Free to walk.  To run. To fly.

Into the life God wants you to be in.

Angels in Disguise

 For the last, maybe, two months, I have been planning a fence-building party to get up the pasture fencing for the horses. 

A couple of people were going to show up on Saturday, but then it rained. A cold, steady rain. All day long.  This just irritated me to no end.  I had food.  The auger rented and a few people said they would actually come out and help.

I was mad at God.  

Almost went and got the auger and did it myself in the rain because I'm stubborn like that.

Then God whispered in my ear, "Mary, I'm giving you a break.  Take it."

"FINE!  Whatever you say, God.  It's not like I have much of a choice anyways."

So, I rested. 

Cleaned the kitchen.

Rested.

Cleaned up the table (I may not have been able to see the top of it for a while).

Rested.

Vacuumed.

Rested.

At the end of the night, I had to fight the urge and say, "There! Are you happy now?  I rested!"

This morning, I woke up to a song where all I know is a few words of the chorus:

    This is the day that the Lord has made.

    I will rejoice and be glad in it.

    This is the day that the Lord has made.

I knew that no matter what was coming in the day ahead, I would rejoice and be glad in it.

Yet, I still had a few negative vibes running through my veins.  So much so that I wrote this in my journal:

"Lord, thank you for today. Even if only I show up, you have and will continue to power me through the day.  If one shows up, then it will cut the time in half.  Two? even more- if more show up?  How great will that be?  Lord, I know you are in control. You will handle all the details.  I just have to show up.

Thank you for removing the poor me thoughts from yesterday. Yes, it still may just be me, and maybe Dave, but if that's the case, I'll do what I can and try really hard to not be angry and hurt.

It's easy to fall down the hole of "what happened to all the people who told me they would be there for me when I needed something- anything?  All I need to do is ask.  

Well, I've asked.  On several occasions and honestly, I'm done asking.

I suppose that means that empty words are perhaps the thing I dislike the most from people.

Papa, make my heart be light today, no matter what happens.  I love you and know you are in control and have the day planned out.  May your will be done.  Amen."

After I journaled, I got ready and left to go pick up the auger.  As I was leaving the rental hardware store, I noticed a gorilla cart that I had been trying to find localish to buy.  I pulled back into the parking lot and brought that puppy home.  It helped us out so much just today.  I can't wait to use it for a plethora of other things around my hobby farm since I sold the UTV that I bought.

About one hour after I got home, Dave showed up. Then Steve from the church I have been going to.  He arranged for a tribe that helps people out with things like this to come over today.  Just after noon, there were three more men added to the group.

Yay God!

Not all of the work was done.  The younger married men needed to get home to their families.  However, all the holes have been drilled.  The t-posts are still lined up. And one of the men's fathers that was helping out today moves lean-tos and other items for people and I'll be getting the contact info for that hopefully tomorrow.

Yay God!

I could be resentful right now for people who were around during Ted's cancer and death, but that doesn't serve me.  What does serve me is being grateful for the way God used some strangers, a man I met at church, and a man I met online to bless me.

I choose joy.

End of story.

Consumed

 Coco Chanel said a long time ago, "Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death."  

I'm not certain of her context of this, was is from the view point of the person dying or was it from the person watching a person die?

Personally, I see it as the latter.

Shame could also be added to that.  

And selfishness.

I wonder if this is the survivor's quilt and shame that I am feeling even though my husband is still holding on to dear life?

How dare I ask God to take my husband home soon?

What am I thinking begging God to remove his pain?

On my knees pleading for his confusion to be cleared up.

Am I asking these things for Ted or because I am so very tired?  

No, tired isn't the right word for it.

Consumed.  

I am consumed by making sure my husband is comfortable.

Consumed in keeping my daughter and I safe.

Guilt for wanting this all to be over.

Shame in knowing that soon it will be.

Selfishness in having boundaries for my home.

Fear that I won't be enough for Ted for as long as he needs me.

Anxiety in what the next hour may hold.

I am consumed by so many emotions that I simply cannot process them at all so I sit here and go through the motions of what I think is right.

Keep Ted medicated so he feels nothing even though he cries because he can't do anything without my help.  check

Make sure I eat.  sometimes check

Sleep.  Like a mom with a new baby, check

Shower and put on clean clothes. sometimes check (sorry visitors)

Feed dogs. check

Pray. all day long check.

I don't even know what I want to pray for anymore.  

Side note: whoever is praying for Ted to keep on fighting, PLEASE stop.  I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this. (guilt and shame again)

Even in all of this, when I walked into the living room this morning, and I saw the snow blowing in the wind falling to the ground... I felt JOY!  Many do not share this feeling with me, but I was consumed with thankfulness for the snow and was so happy and delighted to see that gift.  

Then I was reminded of Ted's dad's favorite verse: Isaiah 40:31

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not grown faint."

So even in all my guilt, shame, fear, and anxiety- I will wait for the Lord like my husband is doing.  He will get the wings and I will not grow weary.

We will both have our strength renewed, because God has consumed us.

Fences go up, walls come down

 Ever wake up and know that God is talking directly to you?

Like completly in your face pay attention type of talking?

For the last two weeks, I have been busting my butt trying to stain as much wood for a fence as possible for today... fence raising day.  I have allowed myself to get worked up, exhausted, arthritis is flaired, anxiety through the roof to the point where I just am done and don't want to do anything.

Yet I keep going because it is a task.

Something to focus on that is not my husband's impending death.

That is how I have protected myself my entire life... distraction via tasks.

Today is the day the fence goes up.  Not everything is ready, and I have told myself that that is okay.

But honestly, inside, I feel like a failure because I couldn't do it all myself.

Dumb, I know, but that is how my heart and mind roll.

Then God makes me get up and read my Bible.  

This is what he tells me:

"And the peace of God, which transcends ass understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:7

"Since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." Romans 5:1

And then there was the story from Luke 8:41-42 where a synagogue leader named Jairus fell at Jesus' feet and begged for him to go immediatly to his dying daughter.  Jesus did not go straight there, he went through crowds that made it difficult for him to move. Then he stopped to heal a woman who dared to reach out and touch his cloak.  Finally, Jesus made it to the 12 year girl who had passed away and did what only Jesus can do and raised her from the dead.

This miracle would not have happened if the road was paved clear for him.  Jesus' story was made richer in the journey to the girl.

My story, your story, is made richer in the journey as well.  

In my anxiety, in my rush of staining wood, I missed out on time with my hubby, time with the dogs.  Would I change it now if I could, no... because I can't. 

But I will take this lesson with me for later today and into tomorrow as more tasks come my way as a possible distraction to our current reality.  

Take time to look outside the dot

 Take a look at this picture.

What do you see?

A dot, right?

What about all the area surrounding the dot?  That is there, too.  Actually, that area is much more predominant than the dot.  

It is so easy to focus on that one small section in our lives and forget about all the rest of it, isn't it?  I catch myself doing that all the time.

We have to change our mindset so that those dots don't over run our lives and focus more on what God is doing around them.

Many people wonder how I hold up so well with my husband's sickness.  By focusing on the area around the dot.  

Is it always easy, nope, not at all.  

Am I perfect at it. 

HAHAHA.

Nope again.

But I try.

For example, I noticed that I didn't have any goals.  For a goal driven woman, that acknowledgement hit me hard.

Goals are difficult to have in this time of everything getting cancelled and postponed until God knows when. Add into that cancer and the lack of treatment options that will little side effects and actually work for your spouse- and it is dang near impossible to plan anything for yourself let alone make a goal.

So I chose something that I could control a little easier.

My goal for now until the rest of the year is to meet my Garmin watch's increased daily step goal.  Working from home has allowed me to take the dogs for more walks in order to get there.  They kind of enjoy that.

When I need some time with just me and God, I go for a walk.

When I feel myself losing energy, I go for a walk.

Three weeks in and I'm hitting it, even if I am marching in place in the evening to get there.

That is one way I can focus on more than just the dot.

Another is to get out when I know Ted is sleeping and enjoy time with family.

Yesterday, I was able to take my great-nephew, his grandpa, and my daughter out to Boulder Ridge Wildlife Park.  It was so much fun to see their faces when getting licked by animals. 

 Do I wish my husband could have come with us?

Absolutely.

And he would have if his pain wasn't so terrible.  I also know he wouldn't have wanted to hang out at the house while he slept through the pain.

Here are a few of my favorite pictures from our time.  On a side note for cameras.... I should have brought the less zoom in lens.  Some of the pictures would have been spaced out better. :)

changes

Life is wild.
A year ago I was so worried about money, medical insurance, house duties, health, kids, animals, life.

But I gave them all to God and a peace beyond understanding replaced the worry and fear.

Now, I have a new job that I love that pays so much better than general rv ever could with amazing insurance and a retirement plan that will set us up vry nicely in 25 years.
Ted is still in remission YAY!!! and his strength & stamina are slowly getting better.  But what has grown so much is his faith.  I love watching him draw closer to Jesus and hear God's voice speak to him.

Faith has led us to many places in our lives.  When I applied for the job, I gave it to God.  If I was meant to move, then the doors would open wide for me.  And they did.

I took that same attitude with house hunting.  Our family is not trailer park material.  This place has served us well, and I will never regret moving here when we did and selling the home we loved even though it was so difficult to do.  We met some great people and have been able to pay off more than half of our debt which is a fantastic feeling, but I felt a nudge to start looking again.

If you are house hunting at all in this market, then you know that there is not much out there as everyone is trying to buy since rent is insane (at least in West Michigan). So that means when you find something you like, you can't sit on it for awhile and think over it... you have to move fast.

On Thursday evening, we looked at a home not too far from where I grew up at.  It's older, built in the mid 60's, but has had so much work already done to it.  The place also has a pole barn, mature trees, corn fields on three sides, and so much potential.  And the best part.... Ted loves it.  He couldn't stop talking about it.  So we put in an offer along with two other parties and the accepted ours!

I am honestly still in shock about it.  I was fully prepared to continue our search for something else.  I had been praying that if it was God's will, then the doors will open up wide for us to walk through.  And they did.

One of the things that I like about it is that we will be closer to our sweet friend and her kids again.

You see, just under a month ago, her husband, our dear friend was driving home from work and then suddenly was not.

His soul was transferred up to Heaven and his body stayed here for his family and tribe to mourn.

Nick, Jacci and their kids have been such an integral part of lives for 15 years now.  God knew what he was doing when we all met in a basement of a home to have a meeting to start a new church and a new framily.

There are so many memories of Nick floating around my head of different things we all did together.  Some make me laugh, some make me cry, others I wonder how I didn't strangle the man.  But all of them are pure Nick and his essence of fighting for what he loves and cares for the most.

About a year ago, Ted had a pulmonary embolism that almost took his life.  Nick was there at the hospital with us and on facebook telling people to give us space, to respect our time together.  He thought, as we all did, that Ted may not make it.

Now, for whatever reason we will never grasp, we are in the opposite boat, supporting Nick's family the way they supported ours.

I know that we can never ever replace Nick - I honestly wouldn't want to, he wore a big mouth and a hot leather hat - but we can show his family the love that he has shown ours.

This new to us home will put us in a place where we can love on them easier and on others as we will have room again for people who may need a place to stay.

I don't know where you are at in life.  What you are struggling with.  But I do encourage you to give it all to God.  To give him the chance to help you through it.  Simply tell him that you are listening and then listen.  He will speak to you if you are quiet enough to hear.