Masks: an assignment for college

Thought I'd share with you all one of my homework assignment answers.  

There have been a few times I have seen a horse wear a mask, but it was at a parade. Horses are so genuine, that they don’t need to wear a mask to hide who they are like people often do. Rather, a horse will feed off my energy and if I am willing to listen, tell me how I am not being true to myself.

My first foal, Starski, was one when my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  Suddenly, my entire world turned upside down and I wasn’t able to focus on the gelding like I wanted to.  When I did have time to work with him, my mind was always with my husband.  It got to the point where I was actually afraid of Starski and I had never been afraid of a horse before.  In reality, I was afraid that if something happened to me while I was working with him, no one would be able to take care of my husband and kids. I felt very selfish for even trying to pursue my passion for horses.  What would people think of me putting myself in a possibly dangerous situation while my husband is home fighting for his life?  Questions like that ran through my mind every minute I was with Starski, and he picked it up on every single one.  It took about a year before I realized what was going on between the two of us, so I decided that it would be best to sell him to someone who could give him a job and their full attention way better than I was capable of doing.  What I told people who asked why I was selling him was completely different.  I told them that we could not afford to board two horses so I sold mine to allow our daughter to keep hers.  This was partially true, but that was not the full reason. 

Today, my husband is home with Jesus and his dad and my kids are both adults. Since tomorrow is never promised, I decided that it was time to remove my masks and start finding out who I am outside of the wife, caregiver, and mom roles.  For therapy, I take weekly riding lessons. This has built my confidence back up to where it used to be to the point that I have allowed myself to pursue my dream of becoming a therapeutic riding instructor and getting a new foal.  Both are so frightening for me.  What if I fail? What if I can’t find a place to instruct? What if I ruin this filly the way I feel like I ruined Starski?  As one of my favorite songs says, however, fear is a liar.  I’m not where I was in life with Starski now.  I have a trainer who is going to help and guide me every step of the way.  I also have family and friends who are excited for me to step outside of my comfort zone and expand my skill set so that I can be the best riding instructor for the best clients. 

This afternoon, I went to the barn to visit Independence, my now five-day-old filly.  Beth, my trainer, walked me through the steps on how to begin to halter break her.  She said to take it slow like we have all the time in the world.  She said to put the lead rope around her neck by her chest, to wrap it around her butt, and once Indy calmed down, to let her smell the halter and place it on and off of her nose.  I was so scared.  What if I messed it all up at her young age and she hates me for it?  It is amazing to me how fast the fear comes back.  Yet I went into that stall and was going to introduce her to the halter the way Beth said.  Indy, on the other hand, had other ideas.  Instead of getting upset and frustrated, I squatted down by the barn door and allowed Indy to come to me.  She sniffed the lead rope, nibbled on it, and even let me drape it across her back, but every time I tried to wrap her up, she said, “nope” by hopping around and running into the stall wall and falling, which was very entertaining to watch.  Eventually, Indy wore herself out and laid down.  I took that opportunity to sit beside her, rub on her, and allowed her to smell the halter as I sat it by her nose that was resting in the hay.  Thirst drove her to stand back up and be a flighty filly again, so I decided that I would leave.  As I was heading out, something stopped me and told me open the door and squat down by it.  As I did, Indy stopped, looked at me, walked over, and put her head down so I could kiss her on the nose. It was such a precious moment that I truly think she knew what I needed.

As I am working on finding my true self, I have noticed that my confidence has grown exponentially.  I can make decisions that surround who I want to be for me and no one else.  That is such a freeing sensation- to know that I am becoming more the person who God has created me to be every day.  There are times when I find myself reverting to putting on the mask of fear.  When they start to creep in, I take a step back to pray, recenter my thoughts around t
he true goal, and then I choose to make a move.  Even if it ends up being one that takes me through valleys, at least I can enjoy the climb to the mountain top and get stronger for whatever may be coming up next.

This is Starski around 1 day old with his mom, Star.

Here is Indi with her mom, Misty.