Damn Imagination

 Fun Mary Fact:

I have a very vivid imagination.  The wild stories my mind comes up with often make me wonder why I'm not writing fiction.  Maybe, one day, I will explore that avenue more.

Imaginations can be fun. It helps us to think outside of the box and problem solve some crazy things. Things like electricity, flying to outer space, the wheel, turning plants into clothing, grinding beans into coffee, heck, the computer I'm typing on, and basically everything we see and use in our daily lives is here because someone imagined it.  

How flipping cool is that?  Seriously.  Have you ever thought about it like that before?

Imaginations are such a wonderful thing to have.

Until they are not.

What do you mean, an imagination can be not so good, Mary?

When your imagination turns into expectation.

Read that again.

Imagination is not good when it turns into expectation.

When I was a little girl, I would imagine lots of snow on Christmas morning (heck, I still do).  How many times December 25ths have I opened my eyes, rushed to the window to see nothing but mud and became so sad that it took the magic away from the rest of the day?

When I joined the Army, I imagined that I would rock out basic training and be the best of the best in the company in everything (yup, I was so naive). When I got there and realized I am but a slug and would need to actually try my darndest, I was so disappointed in myself for setting myself up for failure. This disappointment caused me to not want to try for a time period. I mean, I'll just be a failure anyways, so what's the point?

When a young Mary married a young Ted, I imagined (and we both fully expected) that once the kids were grown, we would travel the world together and then spend many evenings on the back porch in our rocking chairs watching our grandkids play. Ted would have made such a great grandpa. When the terminal cancer diagnosis came, our expectations were crushed. That is the moment we both began to grieve our dreams, our lives together, and one another.

What happens when our imagination isn't all that good?

Like when I was gearing up to deploy in 2003 to Iraq and got a tattoo symbolizing the love of God and Country just in case I died over there. I imagined my death and expected it to the point that I was pushing Ted away from me so he wouldn't hurt so bad when that happened. I fully expected that he would meet someone else and fall in love with them while I was deployed. That my kids would not remember me. It made me so bitter and unpleasant.  I hated who I was becoming yet I couldn't stop it because my imagination turned into full on expectation of total marriage failure.

Or all the nights I lay awake imagining all the ways I am going to lose my house because a lack of money frightens me and how dare I go back to college for my dream because I have a great job and it pays decent and I could just get a 2nd job and be better off financially. Who cares if I follow my dreams, right? It's only my dreams and it won't make a difference in anyone else's life anyways so what is the point? And then I let that turn into expecting myself to fail miserably at school and realizing that I really don't want to do any of it, so it was truly a waste of time, money and energy, as well as disappointing those couple of people who are excited for me.

How about falling in love?  I have imagined falling in a deeper love than I ever thought possible, like I had with Ted. Trusting, caring, sharing in my life and theirs. Growing together through life and loving every minute of it until he gets sick. Has cancer or another incurable disease and I have to watch him suffer while we both slowly die. How much more can I die and still be alive? And so, I have pushed people away who get close. Walls have been built to protect me. It's just easier to not let them into my madness because once they see it, they won't want to be a part of it anyways. So why set us up for the inevitable hurt? 

When I allow my imagination to turn into expectation, it simply paralyzes me from living the life I was meant to live.

How about you?  

I'd like to say I have figured it all out.  For a lot of it, I have. 

I have learned to see when my imagination is turning into an expectation for both good things and bad.  And I try to stop it. Fast.

If I don't, it builds upon itself. Adding up so much that it doesn't know when to stop growing and I can no longer tell the difference between what is real and what is in my head.  

Am I making up terrible situations because they are really going to happen or to protect me from wonderful things that could potentially happen?

That fear of failure, of disappointment, of hope and of dreams is NOT what God had intended for us when he gave us the gift of imagination.

The Bible tells us to "set our minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth" Colossians 3:2

Philippians 4:8 "whatever true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

"Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered." Proverbs 28:26

Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control" 2 Timothy 1:7

I could spend all day typing out verses for us to read and remember that God did not design us to be full of fear, but rather full of hope and joy even through the terrible circumstances that come our way. 

My prayer for us all is that the next time we find ourselves imaging something wonderful or something terrible, that we don't turn those thoughts into expectations.  Rather, lets focus on the moment, on what is in front of us right now, at that very second.  

Let us ask ourselves:

what does God want to teach me? 

How can I be more present?

Is this situation something I can control?

 Like snow on Christmas morning or a cancer diagnosis? I can't control those things, but I can choose to be thankful for another day. I can choose to see the magic and hope in a new day and celebrate that.

Can you?