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Did you all know that I am an actress?

That every single time I say that I am "good", "okay", or "hanging in there", isn't the full truth.

That when I smile, there is so much pain and uncertainty behind it. 

Because I am truly trying to epitomize the old adage of "fake it til you make it". 

I'm not telling you all this so you can push me to really know what is going on... I can't break down.  There are very few people I will do that with.  So if you ask me how I am doing and I give you more than an "alright", please take it as a gift I am giving you.  If I don't, please don't be hurt.  I may just not be able to fully talk about it or really even want to express at all what is on my heart as at that moment, I may actually not be able to.

There truly could be no words. 

Or

I could be in the middle of a job- at work, at home, as a mom, as a wife- and I really cannot focus on HOW I am doing, just on WHAT I am doing.

This morning, God struck a chord in me through my devotional: Savor: Living Abundantly Where you Are, As You Are by Shauna Niequist.

Yesterday's reading, Niequist asks for a list of things I feel committed and called to do.  Today was a list of things I do not do. 

Every single day, I dream of living in the house we are about to sell.  I mourn the happiness I felt waking up before the rest of the world to feed our animals and even the wood burner.  I miss the sound of George, our friend's donkey, telling me good morning.  My kids can no longer build and created things from and in the trees.  Our dog can't run around and investigate life.  My sweet husband can't puttsy around in the barn when he feels good enough to do it.

I am stuck there.

Then today's verse showed up:

One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 3:13-14

I am not doing this verse.  

I am dreaming in the past.

It is so hard to see the good that is ahead of us.  So hard.

My faith tells me there is so much more.

Philippians 3 tells me there is more.

My heart tells me there is more.

I know that in this season that seems to be dragging and holding on like the fourth winter we are currently experiencing, I will continue to:

Kiss my husband as often as I can.

Pester my kids to know more about their lives they don't discuss.

Walk my dog as much as time allows.
Be my husband's advocate through life.

Put my priorities in line with God, family, work.

Dream of a future I cannot fathom.

I will not:

Worry about paper piles on my counters/ kitchen table.

Fret about dishes left in the sink and laundry left unfolded.

Be a helicopter parent.

Take a moment for granted.

Allow others to dictate my life.

Finally, I will TRY not to let fear control me as it tries so hard to do. 

Fear is a liar.