My Word of the Year

Tonight, as I look on FB and see all the well wishes for the new year and people out having fun, I can't help but be irritated.  Hurt.  Disappointed.  Scared.  Lonely.  Jealous.  Confused.  Anxious.  Sad.

You see, one year ago I had the following goals:

~Continue reading the Bible daily
~Continue to write daily
~Make more time to ride my horse- actually schedule it in once a week
~Tithe without question
~Do 10 pushups and 20 situps every single morning
~Run 3-4 days a week to train for: 25k, 2- half marathons, 2 sprint tirs, and at least one adventure race of some kind
~Swim 2 days a week, bike at least 2 days a week
~Do get on facebook/ instagram before work
~Kid night away at least once
~Weekend away with Ted just the two of us

Of these, I read the Bible and wrote every day and had a weekend away with Ted.

In February, my horse died.
I had a difficult time the first half of the year fully trusting God with money.
I forgot about the pushups/ situps.
I hurt my ankle and knee fairly bad in Jan/ Feb and it took a long time to heal.
I was in a boot so couldn't swim.
Forgot about not getting of FB and insta as that is so ingrained in my morning routine.
Kid nights never happened as I forgot about this, too.
I did get a night away with Ted (not counting hospital stays) when I ran the one race I paid for a year ago- a half marathon.

I can blame this all on cancer, but truly what happened is that I allowed myself to slack on the things that I felt were important to me so I could care for my husband and kids.

What I hate is that I am beating myself up about it.  I feel like I accomplished nothing this year which I know in my heart is not the truth.

Ted is able to rest in a home he can fully utilize now.  The kids are still able to do all of the things they want to do, it just may not be in our own backyard anymore.

That is what should matter, right?  The very human part of me is asking what about me?  Why can I not still do what I enjoy?  Why do I feel the need to beat myself up because I didn't finish that workout plan I started for the 10th time?  Why can't I go for a walk or a jog without guilt yet be okay with eating a large bowl ice cream?  Why can't I bite the financial bullet and get Starski trained so I can ride him?

There really isn't an answer, because I still can.   It is just a matter of making small changes in my routine and get to moving on all of these things.

There is a trend of the word of the year that people are doing.  I have seen REST, HOPE, LOVE, STILL, WALK, GO.

My word is going to be FLEXible.

Flexible in my goals of health and running/ hiking/ biking/ strength.
Flexible with the needs of my kids and the ongoing challenges of teenagers.
Flexible with being a wife and caregiver for my husband.
Flexible for whatever tomorrow may bring.

I am so tired of feeling guilty for letting myself down.  Tomorrow is a new day, month, and year.  What a perfect time to continue to work on me.