Waiting

 There is something I'm supposed to write.  I can feel it in my heart.

Yet every time I try, I don't know what it is supposed to be about. What is the theme?  The main point? The plot of my story?

The crazy thing is, I don't think I'm supposed to know. I have started and deleted this post several times.  It's like I'm trying to force a feel good post for everyone to read.  Something that could change a person's outlook on life, but the reality of it is- when I am forcing something to happen, it usually doesn't.  Not for me, anyways.

Maybe this is something that creative minds struggle with a bit more than analytical minds?  For example, I reached out on a whim to a local artist in the area to see if they would be willing to paint something for me.  I explained what I wanted and how I would like it to be on a cutting board that Ted made.  She liked the idea of it but was very hesitant about saying yes because she doesn't do well under pressure.  After I assured her that I was in no hurry and that she could take as long as she liked, she agreed to do it for me. As excited as I am to see what it will look like, I know it could be a long time before that happens.

Doesn't it seem that life is about the waiting?

As we grow up, we can't wait to start school.  We can't wait for holidays.  For summer vacation. For school to start back up.

We can't wait to be a teenager.  To learn to drive. To get our license. To go to prom. To turn 18. To be an adult.

We can't wait to fall in love and get married. To have a baby. To watch that baby grow up.  To get them out of the house and be an empty nester.

We can't wait to be a grandparent. To watch our kids go through the same struggles that we did as a young parent.

We can't wait for so many things between those stages. Vacations. Birthdays. Seeing a friend. Attending a concert. A quiet morning of doing nothing.

We can't wait until waiting is all we seem to know.

For those of you who have been in the military, you know that the unofficial motto for all the services is, say it together now, "Hurry up and WAIT!"  The chain of command get us to formation so very early, march us to a destination, early, just so we can stand or sit in a line and wait.

For all my family and friends who have gone on or are on the cancer journey, we know that waiting sucks ass.  The diagnosis comes in and we have to wait for more testing. Then we have to wait for results. Then we wait to see a doctor to talk about those results. Then we wait for the insurance company to approve or deny the treatment. Then we wait for the treatment. Then we wait to see if the treatment works. The process continually repeats itself and the waiting is truly feels like a punishment at times.  

But what if we turn it around? Flip the switch on our thinking of waiting?

Bring it back to the excited "I can't wait" anticipation most of us had as a child for Christmas morning.

Mary, how do we do that?

Truthfully, the only answer I know is to find something to be thankful for in the waiting.

As a soldier, I was able to use that time in lines to learn The Soldier's Creed and other information from our Smart Book we had to have with us everywhere we went.

As a caregiver, I tried to turn my thoughts onto being thankful for the time we had to wait for everything. For having doctor's available to us. For having insurance. For having availability of medications. For having great nurses who cared for us through all of the steps. And I was always ALWAYS thankful for every single extra moment I got to spend with Ted waiting.

It's not easy, my friends.  Sometimes, maybe more often than I would like to admit to myself, I find that it can be easier to dwell on the bad. To allow the anxious feelings of despair fill my life while I wait for good to happen to me.

The problem is, if I do that, I find that my hole gets deeper and deeper and the way out gets farther and farther away.

The moment I flip that switch in my head and begin to see things to be thankful about is the moment the walls stop falling in on me and the ground seems to rise to the top of the mountain. 

The more I am able to find things to be excited about and thankful for, the faster I am able to get out of the valley and get that excitement for waiting back.

Right now, for example, I am excited to start taking college classes again.  I need to expand my brain more and see if the dream and passion God instilled in my heart 31 years ago when I was 13 is really from God. I'm excited to see where it could take me in life. I know I will need to wait. Wait to start the classes, wait in taking them, wait in earning another degree, wait in taking the tests to become a PATH instructor and wait to see if/ how God will use me through it all. But I am excited in all the lessons I will learn in the waiting.

Maybe, perhaps, that is the point of it all-

To learn lessons and use them to help others who are stuck in the waiting, too?

Kind of like this picture taken back in 2011.  The kids couldn't wait to get into the pool to clean it out.  When they got in, they realized how cold it was and couldn't wait to get out of the pool. Getting in was easy on their own.  Getting out, however, needed a daddy's hand.  

Perhaps, we all need THE Father's Hand to get out, and perhaps, we can be that for someone else as we all learn that waiting isn't so bad after all.