There's a Hole

I am broken. 

There is a hole in my life.  In my heart and in my soul. 

It has been there for as long as I can remember. 

You see, I was not raised in a loving environment that fed me internally. Yes, I had a roof over my head, food on the couch (we never sat at the table), and two parents at home, but it was not nurturing to me. 

From this, I gained a lot of core beleifs about myself: 

Dreams are for dreamers. 

 Bills and work always come first. 

 If you can't afford it, put it on the credit card. 

 Fear is how to get respect. 

 Children are to be seen, not heard. 

 If I wanted to something to cry over, it would be given to me. 

 For some reason, I have a feeling that my sister and I were not the only ones raised like this. 

 Now, I'm not saying my childhood was all bad and that my parents are evil people. They did the best they could with the knowledge they had, I will never fault them for that. 

 There were lessons learned from the way I was raised that I never would have learned anywhere else. 

 Good. Bad. Or indifferent. 

They were learned. 

 All that said, that is not what this blog is about. 

 I am currently reading a book called, "There is a Hole in my Love Cup" by Sven Erlandson. If you are on TikTok, check him out under Badasscounseling. I'm only to chapter 8 so far and have so many passages underlined. 

 Here are a few exerts for you: 

 "We long for ALIVENESS, now. Yet, very youg, we begin getting our wings clipped, bit by bit, year by year. People want to rein us in, control us, make us easier for them to tolerate, deal with, or manipulate to their ends. But our soul calls out to us, each day, longing to be set free, loonging to fly at full wingspan, longing for that lasting happiness and peace, today, now, in the present, not in some distant future. Essentially, the sould is calling you to proclaim and live your worth now, rather than waiting to some how gain approval and worth from some arbitrary figure from your past (or present) - a waiting that rarely yield the fruit it desire. (And, the simple truth is that ain't nobody else gonna fall in love with you 'til you fall in love with you."

 And this one: 

 "We can't seem to get filled, because to get the Love Cup filled (love that lasts, rather than temporary splashes of love that evaporte as soon as they come) demands being loved for who you really are. Filling the Cup only comes from discovering and revealing to the world who you really are - radical honesty, both with yourself and with life. And that only comes from you actually loving who you are, believing in yourself enough to be seen. Ain't nobody gonna truly fall in love with you 'til you fall in love with you. Fact." 

 See the theme there? 

 We have to fall in love with ourself.

 Nothing can fill our cup up for us unless we are able to repair the hole that is in it. 

 If you don't know what your love cup is or what I'm talking about.... check out The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It was a requirement for Ted and I to get married, and I'm so glad it was. We would ask eachother how our love cups were doing and if they were not full, we would work on filling them.

 And so when Ted graduated to Heaven, I had noone to fill my love cup for me. 

 I tried to do it by staying so very busy.

 Keeping my mind occupied in many things and essentially failing at them all. I even allowed myself to love another man again, only for me to realize that he wasn't going to be able to fill my cup because it had a gaping hole in it that had been patched up with Ted, then broke free again. 

 The only way I can patch it up for good is to shift some core beliefs a few degrees. 

 To unteach myself all the negative things I have learned as a child and into my teenage years. 

 The biggest core belief I need to change is that my passions and dreams are truly God given. They are not some little girls fairytale story as they have stuck with me since I was a little girl. A whim would have left a long time ago, but a passion and dream given by God remains forever. 

 One thing the Sven asks the reader is what is holding you back from changing your core belief. 

 My answer: 

 Fear. 

 of failing my kids, family and friends. 

 of failing myself. 

 of letting people down and of what they might think if I do go for it. 

 of losing everything I have worked so hard for. 

 of not being good enough. 

 Fear that I may lose my security. 

 And fear of doing it alone. 

 I need to get past all of those fears and live the life God intended me to live.

 Some how. 

 Some way. 

 God will open the doors, but I need to make the steps to get to them first.

 Slowly, I can see them lining up. But it's because I am working on loving myself.

 I am worth it. 

 I am important. 

 I am needed. 

 And I am loved by the Creator who made us all uniquely different.

 And at the end of my life, I don't want to look Jesus in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I was afraid to follow the dreams you gave me."