Hiding Grief

 If you are on the book of faces, or, uh, FaceBook, I imagine you have seen those silly Nametests that you click on and they tell you all sorts of fun wisdom about yourself.

I never take heed to what they say, it's simply another distraction to take me away from reality.

That is, until I touched the egg to reveal the burden that I hide.

There, in all capital yellow lettering, it says, "Mary, you hide your grief."

Well, shit. I really do.  That is probably one of the biggest reasons why I stopped blogging for so long.  My blogs tend to be about some of my fears and victories. As much as I wrote to share with others, I wrote them out to share with Ted. 

Losing your best friend, your other half of 21 years is one of the worst things that could ever happen to a person.  Not only is your person, my person, gone, but my identity went with him.  

Who am I now? Who do I go home to and complain about coworkers with? Who do I have conversations with about our young adult kids that completely knows what I am saying?  Who can I trust with my deepest darkest fears?  And with my biggest and happiest joys?

Sure, I talk with Jesus.  My hands are numb from journaling so much. I have a few friends I can call, but none of them are Ted.  Not a single one is able to hold me and tell me it will be okay. My dogs have been my only constant.  They lick my tears away and make sure I never am alone. But they are not Ted, either.

So I hide my grief. 

From myself.

From family.

From friends.

I keep myself as busy as possible doing things to occupy brain space.  Pushing back the grief, the tears, the anger, the confusion. 

Not facing any of it. 

To face it means to feel.

To feel means to hurt.

And to hurt, means to heal.  Perhaps a part of me is afraid to heal.

Healing could mean I forget the love I have had with Ted. I never want to forget that.  

But healing must happen so I can grow.

Grow to love myself more.

Grow to love God more.

Grow to love my children more.

And maybe grow to allow someone else to love me the way Ted loved me.

So I must stop hiding my grief. I need to face it head on.  Feel it burn through my soul so I can become the person I was meant to be.