Getting Back to It

 It has recently been brought to my attention that I have not written a blog in a long time. 

474 days long time.

Since I notified of this information, I started doing some soul searching into why.  The only answer I can come up with is because for 11,256 hours and counting, I have been running.

Sadly, that is figuratively as my knees no longer allow me to actually run, but very much, I have been running.

Running from all the feelings and emotions that come with losing a spouse, a best friend, heck a soul mate.  

Ted was my everything.

Without him, I feel like nothing.

To compensate these emotions, I have been keeping myself busy.  Redoing spaces around me in my old house.  Moving a new house.  Starting a new job. Attending a new church.  Even dating and loving a new a man.

These are not bad things, but they are not fully healing either. All of them have been used as bandaids over my heart to keep myself from fully diving into

WHO AM I NOW?

Did you all know I even started a TikTok account and have videos up.  Several are very real.  Some are simply to embarrass my kids, and some are just to follow the trends.  I started doing those videos for people to journey with me as I figure out life as a widow.  What really happened with them is me spending hours doing nothing to get to the center of who Mary truly is.

Perhaps more importantly: who I have been feeling God wants me to be.

From a very young age, I knew I was meant to write.  Even though I have been journaling this entire time, I cannot share my story without sharing those ups and downs.  And if I am not sharing, then I am not doing the other task God has called me to do: help people.

Today is day one of getting back to Mary's Marvelous March.