Consumed

 Coco Chanel said a long time ago, "Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death."  

I'm not certain of her context of this, was is from the view point of the person dying or was it from the person watching a person die?

Personally, I see it as the latter.

Shame could also be added to that.  

And selfishness.

I wonder if this is the survivor's quilt and shame that I am feeling even though my husband is still holding on to dear life?

How dare I ask God to take my husband home soon?

What am I thinking begging God to remove his pain?

On my knees pleading for his confusion to be cleared up.

Am I asking these things for Ted or because I am so very tired?  

No, tired isn't the right word for it.

Consumed.  

I am consumed by making sure my husband is comfortable.

Consumed in keeping my daughter and I safe.

Guilt for wanting this all to be over.

Shame in knowing that soon it will be.

Selfishness in having boundaries for my home.

Fear that I won't be enough for Ted for as long as he needs me.

Anxiety in what the next hour may hold.

I am consumed by so many emotions that I simply cannot process them at all so I sit here and go through the motions of what I think is right.

Keep Ted medicated so he feels nothing even though he cries because he can't do anything without my help.  check

Make sure I eat.  sometimes check

Sleep.  Like a mom with a new baby, check

Shower and put on clean clothes. sometimes check (sorry visitors)

Feed dogs. check

Pray. all day long check.

I don't even know what I want to pray for anymore.  

Side note: whoever is praying for Ted to keep on fighting, PLEASE stop.  I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this. (guilt and shame again)

Even in all of this, when I walked into the living room this morning, and I saw the snow blowing in the wind falling to the ground... I felt JOY!  Many do not share this feeling with me, but I was consumed with thankfulness for the snow and was so happy and delighted to see that gift.  

Then I was reminded of Ted's dad's favorite verse: Isaiah 40:31

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not grown faint."

So even in all my guilt, shame, fear, and anxiety- I will wait for the Lord like my husband is doing.  He will get the wings and I will not grow weary.

We will both have our strength renewed, because God has consumed us.