I swore I would never pray this prayer

Up until a day ago, I would not pray for God to heal my husband.  God can heal a person in many ways, and one of those ways is by ending a life in the body so the soul can join eternity.  That was not going to be my prayer.  Never ever.

Then yesterday happened. 

Pain running so fiercely through his muscles that he moans and almost whimpers.

Pain so intense, his eyes crunch closed.

Pain so evil that it lasts and lasts and won't go away no matter how much medication is given.

So I prayed for God to take away the pain. For healing to happen sooner than later.  Knowing in my heart that this prayer will be answered faster than I ever want it to be and yet not fast enough.

Everyday I watch my soul mate slip further and further away.

His mind drifts in so many directions that it often does not make sense to me.

His ears are hearing voices that are not there.

His lips slur the words he wants to say but can't seem to get out.

This is not the love of my life.  And it is.

Somewhere in that fading body is the man I said yes to 21 years ago when he purposed.  All of his memories and talents and stubborness are still in there looking for a way to come out.

God's timing has been perfect in everything.  I know it will continue to be.  Yet it doesn't make the waiting any easier.  

Especially because I dread what is coming.  For me, for our son, and our daughter.

Ted will be healed.  He will know no pain way before we are ready. I know this.  He knows this.

Yet it still sucks.  

And that is perfectly okay.

God has never promised that our life would be easy, but he has promised that we would never go it alone.  In fact, God has already been where we are going.  He will never leave me.  Just like Ted's body may leave us, I know that he will forever live on in me, our kids, and maybe grandkids.  

Until that time comes, I will look for the good.  Like these flowers that are still blooming the end of October even after a couple of weeks of freezing temperatures throughout the night.  They remind me of God's love and how he cares for us all.

 My love, my darling husband, I pray that God surrounds you with peace and love and pain free days.  Know that you are treasured. And God, may you please heal my hubby.  Take his pain, take his confusion and make him whole again.  Amen.