Fog

1 Peter 5:10  "And the God of all grace, who call you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."

Blah on this verse.  Truly. 

Why can't I go back to my naive way of life where everything was sunshine and rainbows? 

Where, in the back on my mind, I know that something was going to rock our entire way of life upside down so that our faith would be truly tested as it had never been before?  Where it would ebb and flow as true faith does in people.  It' super hard to find a person who has never once doubted God and his plans- especially in the midst of suffering.

The kind of suffering where I am on my knees begging "why?".

Not capable of understanding any of it.

Not willing or wanting to know the answer to why as I may not like it all and resent my creator.

I find myself in the pit of an acidic stomach being melted away by the thick dark fog.  Where I simply am unwilling to open my eyes because it hurts too much.  The heavy darkness surrounds me like a blanket keeping me tucked into a bed I never want to leave.

Then slowly, oh so slowly, the thick fog begins to recede.  I still don't know why, but I am shown more, able or allowing myself to see more.  To not perhaps understand, but rather accept.  To go with the flow of where the fog is a bit clearer at.  Little things begin to start to creep in- the sun's rays warming my face, a kiss on the face from my dog, a meme that I allowed myself to LOL at.  Thing I never though twice about before become huge milestones to get to the end of the day.  There is a flicker of hope.

The without warning- the fog dences and I am alone yet again- grief, sadness, exhaustion, heaviness presses on every fiber of my body pushing and pulling me back into the darkness.

Sometimes, I let it.

It's comfortable.  I feel like this is where people expect me to be at. In the darkness.

Then a slight hiccup, and again, the darkness seems to regurgitate me like a spicy tuna roll as if I am no longer wanted in it's pit.

I begin to enjoy, gulp, waking up to new days, new opportunities- to wondering how today may be different than the next.  The accepting the changes that suffering has brought yet now allowing it to consume me completely. 

Life is still being lived.  Demands to be lived.  Whether I like it or not.

Sometimes, going through the motions is ok.  It is enough.  Sometimes.

But that is not what God wants from us.  He doesn't want zombies who are down in the stomach of despair- he want us to enjoy the little things- even in the midst of the pressing darkness. 

He wants us to be a light for others.  To love them when they are being swallowed up by suffering.

To his hands, his feet, his shoulder for others to cry on.

Perhaps that is the best "because" answer we will ever get this side of Heaven.