Clinging

Ever have a true gut check?

This morning's devotional question did that for me. 

It asks what I am clinging to in this season and what do I think might happen if I released it.

The first one I don't even need to think about.

I am clinging to life in February 2017.  Ted had a new job that he loved and was home more than ever and in a great mood.  We were beginning to find our groove in life and helping people and being the kind of parents we always wanted to be. We were fruitful as individuals and as a family.  It was glorious.

I am struggling hard on letting that life go.  That life that no longer exists.  I miss it to the core of my soul.

At times now, I feel that everything I do is an attempt to get back to that life somehow.  Our new home is an example.  We are back in the country and it is fantastic.  But for me, there is always an "except".  Except we don't have the horses here.  I miss them.  I miss watching Starski be a goofball with his ropes and balls.  I miss growing with him and learning together.  But honestly, if we can't bring him here, I am going to have to let him go to a new home.  As much as it breaks my heart to give up that part of my life, I know that it won't be fair to him, isn't fair to him (did I use the correct fair? fare? hmmm... too much 4h 😀).  But it will be what is best for him.

Is that what God is trying to do for us?  Take things away because it is what is best?  I don't know how taking away my husband and all he was can be best.  Yet, I have seen his faith grow exponentially.  Is the cost of that faith his quality of life?

Perhaps.

Or maybe our definition of quality of life is askewed.  Maybe that is what I am truly clinging to: an ideology of what I thought was a good life?

What would happen if I let that idea go?  Sent it out to God to redefine?

Maybe that is how I allow him to do his thing in my life and that of my family?

I need to let go and let God.  Do you?