Sounding Board

This is me.   So amazingly confused.  I don't know which way is up or down or sideways.  How does a person make a decision when there is so much brain noise going on?  When it affects my husband and kids in such a powerful way?  When it isn't my decision alone, but I feel like it is as chemo brain is a very real thing, as is our hearts.

The question?

Move or stay?

All four us LOVE our home.  It is not just a house, it is where our first dog as husband and wife and all the animals since then, Jersey included, are buried.  It is where we have room to roam, shoot guns, ride horses, walk in the woods, open the door and let Cinnamon out and call her back in, only see trees when we look out a window.  This is our home.

Our home is also a lot of work.  When Ted was healthy it was nearly impossible to keep up on the yard work, now weeds keep overtaking everything.  The wood furnace will need to be filled twice a day, that a lot of work for us to do and it can be bad for our asthma.  The driveway is long and will need plowed when the snow falls which is generally a fun thing to do, but what if the four wheeler breaks down, again?

Our home is also expensive.

One of the things that the geek in me actually enjoys doing is a cost analysis of situations to help me to see different outcomes if we went one way vs the other.  I will spare you all the details of it and give you a brief synopsis.

If we stayed:  with our current bills, current bank account funds, current income, without Murphy calling, without any extras such as presents for birthdays or Christmas, without any additional medical costs- we can stay in our home for about 2 years.  That's not too shabby when you think about it.  However, my car needs tires before the snow flies- that drops it down to 23 months.  Murphy ALWAYS comes calling in one way or another and can seriously drop the length of our staying here down considerably.  There is not really any wiggle room for anything as each month, we will be taking money from our savings (money that is there from the amazing fundraisers done for us) to pay the bills.

If we moved:  same scenario... except... IF we can sell our home and get a half way nice gain from it, we could pay off all of our debt (two credit cards, my car and Ted's truck).  We could be debt free for the first time in our marriage.  If that can happen, except during the stem cell transplant time when I am not working, we could be adding money to our savings account and have a buffer for when Murphy calls.  We could afford presents for the kids and other things as they come up.  We wouldn't need to live in financial stress.  In a couple of years when things settle down, we would be at a much better position to buy another house that is smaller, more manageable and maybe on a lake.

Take the financial aspect out of it.... moving into something smaller would be easier for me to keep clean for Ted.  It would afford me more time to care for him the way he will need it.  It will also mean less time outside caring for the yard.

Seems like a no brainer, right?  Well, it's not... We have one sensory daughter who doesn't fair well with change.  If the horses were not right there for her, it will be so difficult for her to handle things.  A dear friend has offered to let them stay with her horses.  Her place is not far away at all and Alyssa can ride them anytime she wanted.  But they wouldn't be there for her.  She also loves not being close to people as she is a country girl who needs her space to roam.  Christian is a bit more accepting of the idea although he really doesn't want to move, either.  He knows that it would be easier for us all the way around (after a bit of hard moving work) if we did move.  We would lose the barn where all of Ted's tools are at.  Sure, we can get a storage unit, but it won't be right there for him to work on things when he has the energy to do so.  Then there are the beagles.  We couldn't find a home for just one, now we would need to rehome both of them.  If that doesn't work, what do we do?

Where would we move to?

Truly, I think we would have to rent a place in a mobile home park.  Because social security won't kick in until January (if we are lucky), our debt to income ratio is too high to buy something different.  There is also nothing but one bedroom rooms/ apartments to rent in the Wayland area.  If we moved, I would want to go closer to town so that the kids can walk to and from school and work (when they get jobs) if needed.  If we were closer, it would mean that when I go back to work after stem cell transplant, I could go home and check on Ted a couple of times a day.  In town also means closer to the highway and hospital and the ambulance if needed.

I hate that we are in this situation to have to choose things like this, but I am thankful that we do have a choice.  A part of me feels that moving is taking away trust from God.  Trust that He will provide all that we need and then some.  Yet another part of me feels that maybe in the move I am trusting Him more.  Blah!!!  

Faith and adulting really suck sometimes. 

If we do move, we should do it fast, before stem cell as Ted won't be able to be around people afterwards.

Please keep those prayers coming.  We need guidance and encouragement and strength and wisdom to do the best thing for our family.