Finding Joy

On the way to Manistee on Friday night to run a half marathon Saturday, I had told Ted that I had lost something since June.

Joy.

Maybe that is why the Tennessee trip wasn't what I had expected?  My heart so badly wanted us to have "THE BEST TRIP EVER!" and the reality was that it was simply okay.

Okay was not what I wanted at all.  What I wanted was laughing and joking, great attitudes, smiles the entire time, restful nights, relaxing days with small adventures put in, and pictures.  I wanted us to have pictures before life changed for us even more.

I did get those.

But what God has been showing me is that we did have a good time.

We did have mini adventures.

I did get pictures.

I was trying to enshrine Ted on the trip because that piece of me that is guarding my heart is telling me he is dying and we don't have much time with him- so let's make memories of ALL the things we talked about doing before cancer- even though Ted really can't do them- and it just makes him frustrated with life as his hearts wants to try but his body says no.

I allowed the joy to slip away from my memories.

God has other plans, though.  In those pictures I took, in the Bible verses I am reading- the joy is coming back.  

The quiet moments in Tennessee, 

the ones fishing when we got back-

The bracelet my grandma gave me.

Learning about how Ted is positively responding to chemo and celebrating on our way to Manistee.

The half marathon itself.

The one I didn't train for.

The one I conquered.

The 13.1 miles I smiled through knowing that God's strength and Ted's love was with me every single 28,000 plus steps I took.

Hand holding.

Text messages of Ted not knowing what to do at the high school open house (how do I have two high schoolers?)

Those moments are where THE JOY is.

Those are the moments that I will cherish forever.

Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1: 2-4