Like absolutely everything seems to not go the way you had hoped?
Things you think are taken care of suddenly are not.
Where health flies out the window.
You keep trusting God. Knowing in your head that he knew this was going to happen and then you find that you keeping asking him
WHY?
Where are you?
Show me your way.
Just a hint, a little inkling into what you want from me.
No? Okay, then give me a peace that I can't explain. Let me know that you are here.
Please.
According to your will, of course, because my will doesn't matter.
How fair is that?
Why are you not listening to me?
Why are you not answering me?
Hello!?! God, are you even there because if you are then I need you to show your ever loving self to me. Like, NOW!
I keep going through the motions. Reading the Bible, doing my devotionals, praying. Oh, I have been praying. But it must be wrong, because nothing has been going well. How can God expect me to go through all of this crap?
"If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it."
How many times have I told other people that? How many times do I truly believe it for myself?
"He won't give you anything you can't handle."
I call bull shit on this one. Because I cannot handle all that has been going on.
I can't. I am fried. I am defeated.
Then I read Psalm 27.
The Lord is my light and my salvation-
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life-
of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked advance against me to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes who will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
Though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to have on the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.
Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God, my savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
Teach me your way, Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
David prayed this very prayer thousands of years ago. I am not alone in my feelings. My heart is not God's first rodeo of emotions.
Is all sunshine and roses back in my soul? Not even close.
But I know that I am not alone. I know that God is working on blowing my mind. How? I have no clue. And until then....
I will be strong, take heart, and wait.
