How I am doing it

Over the last few weeks, I have been asked the same basic set of questions:

How am I doing?

How am I doing it?

They look the same, but really are quite different.

My answers vary from day to day for the first question:

I'm here.      Alright.        Okay.      Holding up.       Surviving.      Been better.         Hanging in there.       Pretty good all things considered.      Do you want the truth or what is easier to hear?           And if I really want them to scratch their head's, I'll answer with Dave Ramsey's "Better than I deserve."

The second question is ALWAYS the same answer:

I have no idea other than God.

If left to my own accord, I would be buying bottles of really expensive Irish whiskey, throwing a baby nipple on the bottle and lying in the fetal position sucking away until the world around me disappeared.

God has different plans for me, though.  He wants me to take care of my husband.  For better or worse, in sickness and health.  I didn't realize that the worse and sickness would go together, but they are here, and I am not going anywhere.  

Do I think this entire situation sucks big time?  Absolutely.  Is it fair?  Nope, not one bit.  Life isn't promised to be fair, though. 

This morning's devotions and Bible verse fit crazy good with each other and my current situation.

Both are from Psalms:

5:11-12 "But let all take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy.  Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.  Surely, Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield."

28:7 "The Lord in my strength and shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me"

How am I doing this?

That is how.  It's not me.  It is God.  100%.  Every second of every day I see Him working in our lives.  I can question everything until I am wordless about the things I don't understand (there are so many), but then I would be useless to my wonderful husband and kids.  God doesn't want that from me.  He wants me to lean on him in this, to rely on his strength and allow him to be in charge.  To be my shield. 

My prayer for you who are struggling to understand and make sense of this terrible situation is that your hearts can be opened to see God working.  It is my true belief that God is not in this cancer, but he is in our hearts and our lives driving us to keep going.  I see him in our friends and family who have surrounded us with love, support and prayers.  Those prayers are felt every single second of every day.  Those are what keep me going.  Thank you.